The Before and Afters
by Crystal Spinning
Summary: AU. They were freed from their collars, but liberty was still elusive. When survival becomes questionable, all they have is one another.
1. Chapter 1

"I'm bored."

"I'm busy. Why don't you clean up?"

"You never let me help you."

"You didn't let me help you."

"Shut up."

"That's what I thought."

x

Their isolation had not been their own choosing. He was supposed to be alone – she was supposed to have stayed. At least, she should've stayed away from him. Months after the fact, he admitted he enjoyed her company. Not due to any particular charm or quirk of her abrasive personality, but she eased the loneliness.

Barely sixteen, the two had grown up fast. Their maturation had become exponential quickly – or perhaps they had been stunted. Nearly three full days in the game, then everything else that had passed, blurred in his mind. He couldn't even remember why he thought being alone was a good idea.

Hirono had left – she was on her own. Contact with any of the others was extremely dangerous – but in another month they'd reunite, meeting at a predetermined site and time. Shinji held the slip of paper with the date close to his heart. He did not let Takako see it. She was already desperate to see Sugi again – she fretted about him even in her sleep.

Shogo had taken Noriko with him – to a safe place. He offered Kayoko a ride, too, but she staunchly refused, despite her fragility, and swore to stay by Hiroki's side. After all, he had saved her. It took all of Hiroki's begging and promises to get her to stay behind with Noriko.

Shuuya was with Yukie – another one who refused safety. Takako had been slated to join Hiroki, but due to… unforeseen circumstances, she remained with Shinji, who, like Hirono, had thought solitude would be safest.

So had he - And now he was trapped in a small apartment with Takako.

x

_"Stretch it, Taka," Shogo breathed out cigarette smoke into Shinji's face. He held Takako's hand while Hiroki held her leg in place. Her muscles had been badly torn by the arrow Niida had shot through her upper leg, and the healing process would be slow and grueling. Shogo's prediction had been cruel, but straightforward._

_"She may not be able to run again. Even walking will be hard."_

_Shinji knew she had cried at the news, if only by the pained expression on Sugi's face after they had privately spoken. It caused a pang in his heart to see it – he knew that the pain Sugimura carried was his own, as well as Takako's, multiplying in the shadows of his soul, blackened by guilt._

x

When Shogo had abruptly announced that they had options, everyone reacted badly.

_"Please, Taka, I need you to be safe, you can hardly walk—"_

_"My ass, Sugi! When I told you to start sticking up for yourself, I didn't mean bossing me around!" she answered vehemently._

_"I couldn't protect you against Niida, I need to know you're safe, like Kayoko—"_

_"But I'm not like her, Hiroki!" she spat venomously. "I know you don't think she's cut out for this, and I know none of us will ever be, but I'm not going to sit passively and live the rest of my life in hiding. Shinji and Shogo have plans, and I'm going to help them. Kayoko isn't even going with Noriko. And Niida isn't important anymore. This is."_

_He gave in of course. Their friendship was stronger than perhaps any of them understood, and ran deeply. They escaped the country and managed to settle Noriko, leaving her with promises of love from Shuuya and Yukie, and even gruff ones from Shogo._

_"It's about time you confessed to her," was all Takako had said. Shogo reiterated the same sentiment. Yukie, who had originally planned to stay with Noriko, suddenly and decisively stood her ground_

_"What are you doing?" Hirono asked, mildly impressed._

_Yukie's delicate face was curled up in an expression that indicated what it cost her to leave. "I'm coming. Takako was right… staying is the worst possible idea."_

_"You're not cut out for this, sweetheart," Shogo had answered. "The best possible idea for you would be to stay where it's relatively safe. If anything, to protect Nori. Kayoko too, if she decides to stay. Which I'd say is a good recommendation for her."_

_Shuuya had agreed. "Yukie, it's not going to be safe where we're going. You shouldn't do this."_

_Of course, Hiroki had said the same to Kayoko. But sweet words had little effect on Yukie._

_"Because of the Program, five of my friends died. They killed each other, while we were in the next room. If I had stepped out five minutes earlier, I'd be dead too." Her nose lifted even while her eyes shone with tears she refused to shed before Hirono and Takako. "I'm not sweet, schoolgirl Yukie anymore. If I were, I'd be dead. You saved my life and I'm staying with you guys."_

_Hirono snorted. "Nobody's tried to get me to stick back. I'll take that as a compliment to my toughness before I'm offended that nobody gives a fuck."_

_Shinji, defusing the situation, had winked at her, their matching hairstyles making them look like family. "Same here, doll."_

And so it was decided.

x

Hirono, Yukie, and Sugi had managed to stay relatively unscathed. Shuuya's arm was close to paralyzed, and Shogo and Shinji had their own injuries to deal with. Noriko had her wounds from before the game, and Hirono had a bullet buried in her shoulder, but other than that, those guys were safe. Kayoko, miraculously, was almost completely unharmed, which was only a testament to Sugimura's dedication.

x

"Can you cook?"

"Yeah."

"What should we eat? I can go shopping."

"No, don't… I will. You'll strain yourself."

"Whatever."

"Whatever you want, come on."

"We should just make it simple."

x

Nothing was ever simple. The two of them were like oil and water. Or perhaps, like gasoline and a lit wick. They didn't just mix badly, they were outright explosive.

x

"It's so quiet here at night, I hate it."

"Better here than the Program."

"Stop bringing it up."

"You never did tell me what happened to your leg."

"I think I prefer the quiet."

"That's what I thought."

x

Oftentimes, they simply sat. This was not activism – this was survival. They sat in front of English books, pouring over the unfamiliar words and characters, teaching themselves the language. They often tried to hold their conversations in English, as practice, but their sentences were broken, uncommunicative. After collars that monitored their speech, speaking freely was a privilege both of them hated to give up. instead, they sat together and read, silently.

x

Tears sprung out Takako's eyes and she cupped her hands to her face, trying to hide them. Shinji leaned against her, pushing up her leg as she flexed.

"Come on, Kawada said we had to do this for fifteen minutes every day. We've barely begun."

She did not swear at him because she would've cried outright, and crying in front of Shinji Mimura was not particularly high on her to-do list. Instead, she bit her lip so hard it bled down her chin, and he looked at her like she was an idiot.

"Looks like I have to do the shopping after all," he said, and she scowled.

x

The way she crunched on chips drove him insane. One of her favorite foods was Doritos, and he hated the deliberate way she put each chip in her mouth. He hated her slow, thoughtful chewing, and he hated the way she could finish an entire bag in one sitting like it wasn't valuable money.

They had limited funds – only what Shinji had been able to take from his stash. Noriko was staying with someone Shogo knew – not in America, someplace far away, safer yet. Maybe Canada, maybe somewhere in the European Republic. Anywhere but home.

_"I'll find someone – I don't know who, and I'll meet up with you after I get Noriko and Kayoko settled. Don't try to find me. I'll find you. Everything else proceeds as planned."_

Takako was always hoping for the telltale knock on the door. She hardly knew this man-boy, but she trusted him. Perhaps with her life. Who else could she trust? Hiroki? He was gone, for now.

Shinji? Albeit begrudgingly, he had stayed with her.

x

"Why are you staring at me?"

"You're always working on that damn computer. I'm bored."

"You're always bored. I'm doing something important."

"Let me help you."

"You didn't let me help you."

"Stop fucking saying that. You can't carry a conversation for shit. You know what? I'll just stop talking. We should just make it simple."

x

Though during the day they hated each other, at night, they gripped hands and waited for the sun to reawaken. After sleep had been such a danger, it remained elusive and skittish. So the two waited, sharing pillows and blankets and nightmares.

x

Their first intimacy was when Takako cut his hair. It was perhaps a week after their escape, and she swiftly ran a blade through his spiked locks, leaving him shorn like a lamb. He felt naked, after, as if she had taken off his shirt. It was not the kind of naked he was used to, either – he did not feel masculine and powerful, nor sexual and in control. He felt small, as if she had taken a layer of skin off of him and left him in the sun, to shrink like a wool sweater. He was glad it was her with the razorblade tangled through thin fingers. Her eyes never held pity.

x

His most noticeable scar was the one across his abdomen. It was enormous, encompassing the entirety of his torso. The fact that he was alive was nothing short of miraculous. Takako's most noticeable scar was across her cheek, deep and red and raised. Her limp was also heavy – her muscles may never be the same, especially without any real medical attention.

Perhaps that was wrong, and their most noticeable scars are the ones left across their psyche, an enormous cleavage in their reality, raw and ragged.

x

Their little apartment was _shitty_. The rug had cigarette burns and was the washed out gray that any color has the potential to fade into after a long, glorious run with children and accidents and fluids and time. It smelled of dog hair and the downstairs neighbor's marijuana, because the windows don't open and it was cold and neither of them ever bother to cook anything to flavor the air with something besides sorrow and silence.

They were lucky to get it.

x

"You need another haircut."

"Do you have a razor?"

"No. Too dangerous. I would've slit your throat a long time ago."

"If you're just going to make smartass comments, why do you even bother?"

For once, she hesitated. Her eyes were hard – but not narrowed by their usual disdain. Something else lurked within them. "You're right. I'm sorry."

"That's what I thought."

_x_

_Takako's fist hit the wall, hard, crunching her knuckles roughly. She felt the skin split open but she couldn't care less. The setting sun glowed against the school building, and she let out a hiss, before rearing back and punching again, as hard as she could._

_Never in her life had she been this angry, and completely without any outlet. Violence wasn't really in her nature, but neither was bottling up how she felt - ever. When the coach had gently tried to explain to her the bullshit reason why Takako couldn't run in the next race, she ignored coy, placating phrases like "too good" and "giving other students a chance" and only heard rejection._

_Everyone else had long ago left, whispering about Robo-bitch's inability to even change at the same time as them, and she was furious. Not about the snarky comments from the girls on her team – middle school had long ago taught her that she was not, and never would be well liked – but about her race._

_There was absolutely nothing Takako Chigusa loved more than racing, winning, and showing off, in that order. She was good – amazing, in fact, and she knew it. She knew her coach knew it. So the coach's refusal to let her in the race enraged her._

_Turning around, she began walking towards the girl's locker room, cutting through the gym. Basketball practice was just ending, and she strode quickly along the sidelines to hide the blood dripping from her still-clenched fist. However, she didn't realize was leaving a trail._

_"Whoa! Are you okay, Chigusa?" the cheerful, grating voice of Nanahara carried across the gym. Most others didn't turn around, but Kuninobu and Mimura turned towards her, disinterested in her… until they saw the red stain covering her fist._

_Mentally, she swore. The last thing she needed was the overbearing concern of Shuuya Nanahara. What she needed was a punching bag. Normally, he would do, but Sugi had asked her to make an effort with their classmates. And she was still far too heated to feel any pain in her hand._

_"I'm fine," she threw back curtly, sauntering away, trying to keep her anger in check, when Kuninobu appeared behind her, worriedly._

_"That looks bad. Do you need to go to the infirmary?" his eyes widened. Takako didn't pay any attention to his shocked gaze._

_"The infirmary is closed, it's almost five. I'm fine. Thanks for your concern." She tried to force civility out of her tone – these were Sugi's friends, and he'd often implored her to be more patient with them._

_The other two appeared as quickly and as irritatingly as their friend, and she was losing her patience. "I'm fine—" she began, ready to unbridle her temper on the three, when Mimura grabbed her hand._

_His quick action spurred out some of the pain and she reared back, ready to slap him silly for grabbing her, but the concern written on all their faces did nothing to ease her mood. She looked down at her hand, and the bright red blood that covered her entire fist did not worry her, but she was relieved she always took off her bracelets before practice._

_"You'll probably need stitches," Shinji Mimura's voice was the last thing she needed to hear laced with gentleness. Anger flowed through her at their thoughtfulness – she wanted a fight, not comfort. Shuuya Nanahara was considered the nicest boy in their class. Yoshitoki Kuninobu was his dopey, sweetheart of a best friend. But Shinji Mimura was a misogynistic womanizer whose competitive streak rivaled her own._

_Normally, she would've just brushed them off. She had absolutely nothing against any of them, particularly not Shinji. As Hiroki's friends, she regarded them with complete neutrality. However, the nearly overpowering need for an argument, for yelling, for anything, overtook her._

_"Don't tell me what I need, Mimura. I said I'm fine and I'm going to be fucking fine!" she snarled, nearly spitting the words at him. "And let go of me!"_

_"If you can pull your hand out of my grip then I'll let you go," he answered dryly, completely unaffected by her obvious fury._

_Most boys were cowed by her. Most girls were wary of her. Goddamn Mimura was neither of those things right now, and as she tried to yank her fingers from his grasp she nearly hissed with the burning pain that shot up her arm. Blood dripped even more heavily, and she cursed._

_"You need to head to an emergency room," Shuuya pointed out anxiously. "I could walk…" he faltered at the venom in her glare, but Kuninobu finished for him._

_"We're taking you to the hospital, this is serious! What even happened?"_

_"It looks like you punched a wall," Mimura's grip was still strong, and he sounded amused. Rearing back, furious at his accurate guess, Takako ripped her hand from his grip and slapped him, leaving a smudged, bloody imprint on his cheek, before turning on her heel and stalking inside the girl's bathroom._

_The warm water burned her knuckles, and as the messy red cleared away, she noticed that she had actually sliced her fingers up pretty badly._

_Her knuckles had a series of cuts, one of them deep, in crisscrossing patterns. She also sported a few scrapes just below, and the way the throbbing was beginning to slowly ache its way up and down her arm. Sighing, she changed, slowly, and left the school, admitting to herself that the boys had been right – she'd stop at the clinic before she headed home._

_It was dark already, and the stars were hidden by layers of smog and clouds. Takako slung her bag more comfortably over her shoulder and began walking, thinking murderous thoughts about her captain, and the slugs on her damn team._

_"Don't you live in the opposite direction?" a smug voice up ahead interrupted her brooding._

_"How the hell would you know that?" she demanded, striding past him, bangles ringing._

_"Stop! No, really, c'mon, lemme walk you to the emergency room… Sugimura would have my head if I let you go alone, especially at night." He shot her a sheepish grin._

_"I don't need pity from a 'lady-killer' meathead, but thanks for your concern."_

_He didn't take her bait. "It's just me – Shu and Yoshi went home. Seriously," he shot her a grin that was supposed to be winning, she supposed, but after two years of junior high with him, she knew all of his little tricks. "I just wanna make su—"_

_"Drop the act, Mimura. I don't care what your motives are, just leave me the hell alone. I am not in the mood to deal with you right now. Try again tomorrow."_

_"Is that a challenge?" he teased, easily keeping stride with her._

_Stopping, she glared up at him. "What's your problem?"_

_"What's yours?"_

_"Excuse me?" she demanded incredulously._

_"The way Sugi talks about you, you'd think you're God's gift. But to anyone else, you're Robo-bitch. Got any other friends?"_

_Few names flashed through her head. Kahoru, Kayoko… and that was it. She scowled, flushing at his rudeness._

_"Just leave me alone."_

_The words were not defeated – Takako Chigusa could not have sounded pathetic if she tried. But they were less hostile. Hiroki wanted her to be friendly?_

_She'd try it for him, even if she was dealing with goddamned Shinji Mimura._

x

When Takako, nearly blind from pain and unconscious from blood loss, stumbled away from Niida's body and into Shinji's disaster area, he thought it might be a godsend.

Kazuo had died – the explosion had annihilated him, the way it should've decimated the goddamn school. Shinji figured he was lucky they didn't just activate his collar and get it over with. He was going to die, no doubt about it, with his organs duct-taped inside his body like an ancient teddy-bear. So when he closed his eyes to fall asleep a final time and hazily saw a half-dead Chigusa kneel down in front of him, he thought it might be a dream. A fantasy leftover from days past.

But if it had been a fantasy, she'd have been in the tiny skirt he once saw her wearing at a restaurant with Sugimura, and there wouldn't be blood smeared across her swollen face.

"Damn," he croaked, still figuring it was an illusion and that he was in his final moments. "What the fuck happened to you?"

"Don't worry about it, Mimura." Her voice, if it had been stronger, probably would've been more dismissive. Her words lacked her usual venom. "You got me stitched up before, remember? It's my turn."

She did not ever tell him where the bruises on her face came from or why her skirt was threadbare and torn, but he guessed.

x

"Are you crying?"

"No. Fuck off, I'm not in the mood."

"You can tell me if anything's wrong. Seriously, just talk to me. I know I'm not –"

"Don't—"

"Is it about Sugimura? Or Niida."

"Seriously, fuck off. Why would I want to ask for comfort from the biggest fucking Casanova in Shiroiwa about Niida—"

"Hey, don't worry about it. Maybe we can even be friends."

"Stop being a smartass. We're not friends. We're going to keep this as simple as possible."

x

Shinji, for all his bravado during the day, often cried at night.

Takako did not mention it – ever. She clearly saw the large line and knew to never even toe it. But at night, when they gripped hands and slept on the musty rug with nothing but a thin sheet for a blanket, she ran her thumb over his gently, over and over and over, until he fell asleep, facing her as she laid on her back, thinking.

She wondered if Hiroki was okay. If he was doing half as badly as she and Shinji, then he must be miserable indeed.


	2. Chapter 2

"Stop playing with that damn watch."

"Stop being such a bitch all the time, why don't you?" for once, real anger flashed in his eyes.

"I don't know why I came with you."

"Me either." He was truly bothered by something, and she did not want to make anything worse. It could be a mood, or it could be a flashback to something worse.

Quirking a weak smile, she added: "Must have been your dazzling good looks?" It was a small effort on her part, a flag as white as his face after a nightmare.

Understanding wandered across the hard planes of Shinji's face. "That's what _I_ thought. Irresistible, aren't I?"

It was a tentative truce. Better that than the same old argument.

x

The hard, short knocks on the door shook them awake so desperately they trembled. Takako stood shakily. "It must be Shogo."

"It couldn't be anyone else," Shinji agreed, all bravado.

It could be a thousand other people. But hope was all they had, and if they were to die, well, they were long overdue.

Limping to the door as Shinji watched, Takako peered through the tiny slit in the door. Unable to identify who it was, she opened it. Shinji, unable to see, craned his neck around. Takako was frozen. Seconds passed with no words, no movements. It felt like years to him, unable to see from his perch on the floor.

Then Takako relaxed, her catlike body seeming to shrink and soften. A hand flew to her mouth.

"Oh… Shogo!" she breathed out, tears already choking her voice as she flung her arms around the tall, thick body of the man-boy who had saved them all.

x

_"Who's there?" Takako demanded, trying to inject some of her usual fearlessness into her voice. "I can hear you moving." She adjusted her hold on Shinji, gripping him tightly._

_"Chigusa?"_

_The squeak of little Shuuya Nanahara's voice had never been so beautiful in the years Takako had known him. Despite his annoying, golden-boy attitude, he was good. He was Shinji's friend. He could be trusted not to hurt them – or to at least kill them quickly._

_A long moment and loud bustle later, an extremely disheveled Nanahara broke through the trees, an enormous, dopey smiley pasted on – until he saw Takako's battered face and body, arrow still through her thigh, as she struggled to hold up Mimura. _

_"Sugi said he was looking for you— Shuuya hesitated, and his eyes swept the scene nervously._

_It was not in him to be decisive, but it was not in Takako to be awake. She fainted, still supporting Shinji, and the pair tumbled to the ground like dead weights._

_If it wasn't for Kawada, they would never have gotten up again._

x

_"Can you walk?" _

_The question was directed at both Takako and Shinji. Shogo had wrapped her leg up well, but the shock had passed and she was aching all over. They sat in a small, wooded area._

_Shinji nodded determinedly, but when he opened his mouth, his throat sounded as though he was in heavy pain. "It's the blood loss I'm worried about."_

_"I'm amazed this girl managed to carry you as far as she did," Kawada grunted at them. "You must've been pretty motivated. Or in shock," he added, at her stony expression._

_Takako was wondering what the hell had gone through her mind. After the terrifying episode with Niida, she'd had an intense urge to protect Shinji. He was the first person she saw – she remembered how he had insisted on walking her to the clinic after she'd hurt her hand. Most of all though, she remembered the tenderness he'd shown Noriko Nakagawa at the very beginning._

_Noriko's eyes had been rounder than ever, completely dazed. She was covered in blood. Takako had been shocked. Of course, it was to be expected, but the reality was so much worse than her imagination. This was not just a game. This was a slaughterhouse. _

_The small girl trembled by Yoshitoki's body, unable to move. Takako's heart went out to her. She imagined Hiroki there, on the ground, and couldn't control the nausea that nearly worked its way out of her stomach. She was sure throwing up in class would count as interference._

_For once, the fearless Takako Chigusa admitted to the terror that was numbing her entire body and making her fingers cold and shaky. From the moment they had brought in Mr. Hayashida, Takako had not been able to blink, blinded by the lack of moisture in her eyes. She tried to force her lids down, but it only served to wet her eyes more. She could not force her arms to move and wipe the tears off her cheeks._

_Now, it seemed she was deaf. Nothing but the gunshot that destroyed Kuninobu could reach her. Even the sound itself bespoke of death, an explosive bang that managed to pierce as well as annihilate. She watched, mesmerized, unable to feel anything but sick, bound only by her sight, as Shinji Mimura stood and stopped Shuuya Nanahara from literally running into the gun that was aimed at his head._

_She still could not register the sounds. It seemed Shinji was speaking, but then he bent down, gently wiping the redness off Noriko's face with a handkerchief he seemed to pull out of nowhere. _

_The gesture seemed so out of place that Takako once again wondered if she was dreaming. This could not be real. She was going to die, her classmates were all going to die, and here was Shinji Mimura, tenderly wiping blood off Noriko Nakagawa's chin as if she were a child and not going to die in the next few hours anyway._

_He guided her back to her seat, practically carrying the small girl, and Takako could identify. She herself felt as though her knees were locked together._

_It wasn't until sweet, friendly Fumiyo Fujiyoshi was stabbed through the head that Chigusa felt her shock and fear melt away into emotions she was more familiar with._

_Rage and rebellion._

_"I guess I just reacted," she shrugged. Never in a million years would she tell him that maybe she had pegged him wrong._

x

_Yukie and Kayoko had managed to escape nearly completely unscathed, but Takako, Hirono, and Noriko had to make due with sponge baths while their wounds healed. Although it worked just as well to clean them off, Takako longed for a real shower, with hot water and scented soaps and time to just relax._

_As it was, though, Hirono scrubbed her back roughly and methodically. Shogo had instructed her to keep her leg completely dry, and Hirono to do the same with her shoulder. Even moving the muscle was agony – but she'd bitten back the pain while still on the godforsaken island, and she wasn't going to start complaining now._

_"It's okay to admit you're in pain," Noriko smiled at her with sickening gentleness. "That arrow went straight through your leg. Shogo says it's a miracle you can walk."_

_She gave an inelegant snort. "I'm fine."_

_"The miracle is the fact that Mimura's alive. His guts were practically on the floor when she found him. I don't know how he managed to live. Looks like it was sheer willpower to me," Hirono added wisely, beginning to wash Takako's hair – unasked. Normally, she'd be irritated at the invasion of her space, but Hirono's gesture seemed more thoughtful than anything, and Takako appreciated the girl's strong fingers massaging her scalp. She never thought she'd feel appreciation for the gang girl, but all the fondness in her heart went out to her as Hirono gently played with her tangled locks._

_"I'm just lucky…" Takako murmured. "If Shuuya hadn't found us, we'd be done for."_

_"If Shogo hadn't patched us all up, all four of us would be done for," Noriko added with a delicate shudder. "He's the miracle worker."_

x

"You're here, you're here," Takako chanted, burying her face into his shoulder, hot tears slipping down her cheeks despite herself. "Thank goodness you're here and you're okay. Have you heard from Hiroki? You're _here_, you're all right—"

Shogo patted a bear paw against Takako's back awkwardly. "S'right, Taka, I'm fine, I'm here, Sugimura's fine, I swear—"

Shinji, stuck in the other room, sighed. He was still in a lot of pain most of the time, since painkillers were not in their budget, and moving wasn't really much of an option for him. He was stir-crazy, and ready for some news.

"Hello?" he called out, irritated by Takako's show of affection after months of living in hell with robo-bitch.

It wasn't that he was jealous – she'd finally shown that her icy exterior was warm underneath. He'd seen that her defensive exterior was partially shyness, and partially trauma, and understood. Their communication had even been less strained lately.

x

"What was going on between you and Sugimura?"

"What? Nothing. He's my best friend."

"Are you sure? There was always gossip about you two—"

"Because we were best friends. I would've died for him out there. I'd do it now, and I'd do it in ten years even if I don't speak to him until then. He was my _only_ friend."

"He told me once that you were special. I guess I never believed him."

"Do you now?"

"I think so."

"I'm a little more complex than most people think," she turned towards him and smiled, and despite the scar across her cheek and the pain in her eyes, Shinji was reminded of just how beautiful she was.

x

_At the convenience store, Takako weighed two different brands of lotion against one another. She liked the scented ones – it helped her escape the foulness of their apartment, if only for a few seconds – but Shinji didn't appreciate smelling like a girl, and he complained that the fragrances burned his skin._

_Fair enough, she supposed. But did he want the creamier, thick kind, or the easier-to-spread, light brand? If she bought both he'd scold her for splurging._

_Eventually, she decided for the thick one. The bottle was heavier, and cheaper too. If he had any complaints, then he'd just have to deal with it. He was stuck with her for the long run._

x

"Hey, man, how's the stomach healin' up?" Shogo blew cigarette smoke into the air, and even the tobacco smelled better than their damn room. But the shady living space had been all because of Shogo – he knew a guy who knew a guy, and here they were, despite their illegal status.

"My abs will never be the same," he quipped, trying to stand. Immediately, Takako fluttered towards him.

"Stop moving around so much, you're gonna strain yourself again," she fussed pushing him back down with all the nurturing instincts of an ogre.

Shogo grinned. "So the lioness has made her den?"

Takako's full lips set in a scowl – a sight that was far more familiar to Shinji than the tearful smile she had worn a moment ago. "Shut up. You're late. We're going to meet with the others in less than a week!"

"Yeah, and we're a couple hundred miles from where we need to be. Pack your bags. We have to hit the road."

"Takako's leg still isn't up for much action," Shinji interjected. "And to be completely honest, I'm not either."

"If it's painkillers you want, I have enough to knock you out the entire bus ride home."

"_Home_?" Takako asked, her sharp eyes widening slightly.

"Yup. We're establishing a home base. Nori's there. I stayed longer than I should've, helpin' her settle up. She's playin' nanny for a bunch of kids in the middle of Bum'fuck, Nowhere. Got her a little apartment set up, some fake papers. Found Hirono, sent her up."

"Why did you even bother to split us up then?" Takako scowled, remembering how they'd been ordered to each sneak away in the dead of night. Shinji had been supposed to leave by himself, like Hirono, and Takako was to join Sugi and Kayoko, but when she overslept, Shinji had offered for her to come with him.

She hadn't been sure if she could have borne the overwhelming loneliness. Especially with the knowledge that Hiroki and Kayoko were happily together.

She had jumped on the chance. If someone had told her she'd put her faith into Shinji Mimura six months ago, she would've scoffed at the very thought. But he had shown her in so many ways just how trustworthy he was.

x

_It was nighttime when she went to him._

_She knew he'd be awake – he was nearly nocturnal, or perhaps he did not need any sleep at all, like an unstoppable android. Robo-bitch could identify. _

_"What do you want?" Shogo asked, puffing on a cigarette. _

_There was a reason she had waited so late, kept awake by her own anxieties. "You said your father was a doctor…"_

_"Yeah, and doc says to stay off that leg. What's so important that it can't wait?"_

_Takako never cried. Ever. But somehow tears escaped. "While… while we were there… Niida…" she choked back a real sob. She had not even breathed a word to Hiroki yet. It had been hardly three days since their miraculous escape, and Takako was deathly afraid. _

_Kindness was knit across the gruff features of this boy-man, and unable to continue for a moment, Takako let silent sobs wrack her body. She knew he understood without her having to finish – anyone with eyes could've seen the way Niida had harassed her in class. There, though, she'd had society and Hiroki to protect her, as well as her own icy reputation. All bets had been off in the arena._

_"What about it?" he asked, puffing again on the cigarette. He kept his voice low, for which she was grateful. Hardly ten feet away was Shuuya and Shinji, unconscious on the floor from exhaustion._

_Embarrassment seemed to roll off her in waves. The emotion was palpable. She could've cut it with a knife. "I was supposed to… the second or third day, I mean, I was supposed to start—"_

_"Your period is late," Shogo said it so matter-of-factly that she eased a little. _

_"Yes."_

_"Well, let me be the first to tell you that it might not mean anything. Are you often late?"_

_"No, I'm like clockwork," she confessed, soothed by his transition into professionalism. _

_"It might also be trauma. I don't want to give you anything that could hurt you when you're already weak. Tell you what. We have some time, if we can stay low. This place belongs to a buddy of my father's. Give us a month. If your little friend doesn't show up by then, we can take matters into our own hands."_

_And for her, he waited. And she did not tell Hiroki until she knew for sure what the truth was._

_Shogo had mixed her medicine that made her sick everywhere, vomiting and shitting and jump-starting her period. Never before had she felt so disgusting and miserable – even in the program, her numbness and rage had kept most of reality at bay. But this was real, and she was here, with a homemade abortion, and Shuuya and Shinji knocking on the bathroom door, asking if she was all right and if she needed water._

_x_

Shinji knew that Niida attacked her – but not much else. Shogo shook away their concerns with a lazy hand and lazy reassurance that it was just a delayed reaction to their situation.

Hirono and Yukie could tell immediately – they were clever enough to know, and clever enough not to mention it. Noriko and Kayoko figured it out. The two were cut from the same cloth and sensitive enough to not mention it, to Takako or to any of the boys.

Shogo and Hiroki knew everything, and did not mention it. She was grateful. Shinji, though, didn't know anything at all, and kept pestering her. She did not let him see how painful it was.

x

"Why Canada?"

"It's safer than America. Of course a runaway would go to America. Besides, there's hardly anyone there, and the Canadians don't know much about the Greater East Asian Republic. Besides, a lot of them speak English, and that's the only other language I even know a word of. Anyhow, splittin' up was the only way to stay safe. Who knows if somebody's keepin' tabs on us?"

x

_Shinji and Takako studied together, pouring over whatever they could get their hands on. A dollar dictionary Takako found on one of her shopping trips. Their food labels. A newspaper Shinji had spotted underneath the couch the apartment had provided – nailed to the floor so it could not be stolen._

_The grammatical aspect came easily to Shinji – he understood the patterns of speech, the idioms, the order of syntax. But Takako understood the words, and had dozens upon dozens of phrases and vocabulary words rooted in her memory from school. While technically Shinji had more knowledge of the language, Takako was able to communicate, her accent not too heavy, and so she claimed success as the most fluent._

_Competition in even the littlest things was sometimes irresistible. It made the quiet bearable._

x

"When do we go? Should we alert the guy who gave us the apartment?"

"No. Just leave the key in front of the door - he's seen shadier shit in a place like this. Do you have anything we need to bring?"

They shook their heads in unison. Takako had bought them clothing, and they owned two outfits each – heavy pants and shirts, along with a jacket. Even that, of course, had sparked more bickering. ("These clothes are ugly!" "What does it even matter anymore?")

"Then off we go."

x

Months with no company but one another made them about as socially eloquent as Shogo himself. The threesome sat quietly on the bus, Shinji and Takako quieted by the powerful painkillers Shogo had offered them. Shinji's head lolled against Takako's shoulder, but she let him stay there, silently, and rested her own temple against the top of his head.

x

"I still don't know your favorite color."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Takako's eyes were haunted. "I've known you for years… Hiroki's favorite color is purple. Mine is orange. Kahoru… hers was blue. Ayako liked green. But even after everything we've done together—"

"Yellow."

"What?"

"My favorite color is yellow."

She smiled at him, though it was small, and rather forced. "That's what I thought."

"What do you mean?"

"You were always wearing that yellow jacket. I figured it was your favorite color."

"You know," he teased, "I just like to keep it simple."


	3. Chapter 3

_The rough, wet mouth slobbering over her own disgusted her – and the punches being aimed at her face not only hurt physically, but bruised her pride. Her throat was sore from screaming, and she tried to roll away, thinking back desperately to anything, something, trying to grasp at the straws of her memories – Hiroki teaching her how to get out of a headlock, kickboxing lessons, the last time she was attacked, alone, walking home one night when she had to make up a test._

_All she could focus on, though, besides the dirty, thick fingers violating her, was the sight of her ice pick, feet away. She tried to inch towards it, but was stopped by another blow. Takako hardly registered her skirt being nearly ripped to shreds when he penetrated - she felt only the blood on her lip and, thinking quickly, kissed him back, biting down on his lip as hard as she could, and grabbing his face with her hands, dug her thumbs deeply into his eye sockets. Everything was red – she had never been so angry in her entire life. The grass was wet and cold and Niida was rearing back and she slid away from him as quickly as she could, and he stabbed her with a spare arrow, but she was quicker and already mid-swing, and the pick caught him in the throat so she rolled away and stood and ran until she couldn't walk any longer and she fell asleep._

_She was awoken by a huge explosion that was dangerously close, and nearly incoherent from blood-loss, she wandered over. When she saw Shinji, she did not freeze, but immediately acted, with not a single thought running through her cloudy mind. All she could think about was Hiroki and how he had urged her to be friendly and how Shinji had been so concerned about her when she had broken her hand, and he looked so broken, with his filthy face covered in tear-tracks and the duct-tape wrapped around his abdomen like a life-line, and Yutaka Seto dead, hardly feet from him._

_She only knew he was alive because of the way he stared at her – a look that was novel, but not unpleasant – as if she were an angel or a god, coming down to either grant redemption or a painless death._

Selfishly, she was relieved that Hiroki had not joined with Shinji and his friends. Better that he was safe and alone.

Later, she regretted even thinking such treasonous thoughts against Shinji.

x

_She did not get a real goodbye to Hiroki._

_"I'll meet you and Kayoko here," he whispered, pointing out on the map. "We must take different routes. See, I'll go here."_

_"Remember," Shogo drawled, interrupting their planning. "If one isn't there by the designated time, you go. You never know. Hiroki is a no show girls, you head out anyway. Small groups are good, but when it comes down to it, you gotta watch out for yourselves first."_

_Takako thought it was stupid. They all had to take roundabout walks around the town, leave at different times, and then meet together to leave the rest of the group. To her, it was pure paranoia. But they'd leave together and travel out of the country, and perhaps he was right. After all, he'd gotten them out of the game. Shuuya had argued vehemently against it, but Shogo, the unofficial leader, would not budge._

_So when Takako, fevered and in pain from her leg, woke up an hour late, she panicked. Shogo had shrugged. "We would've woke you if we thought you hadn't left already. But you do what you can. Or you can come with Nori and me."_

_Hirono had left nearly a week ago, and so had Shuuya and Yukie. She did not want to hide – she did not want a safe place. Or rather, she knew that safe was beyond hope, and that all she could do now was wait until they could fight back._

_Just by surviving, they were a rebel force to be reckoned with. But loneliness was not what she wanted either._

_"Come with me," Shinji offered, standing at the door, his lean frame looking haggard. Bandages, dirtied already, though she had just changed them, made him look even swarthier than the sun had made him. He was not a sheltered schoolboy any longer. Perhaps Mimura had grown up a long time ago, and she simply hadn't the capacity to notice it before. "I figure with my injuries still this bad I could use a friend anyhow."_

_It was not pity, but it was an offer. She took it, and she was grateful. They left together - it was easier than she thought it would be._

x

Takako rubbed lotion all down his back and chest every night – that was their second intimacy.

Shinji had slept with three girls – which, for a boy who barely brushed sixteen, was not bad at all. Of course, at school, it had cost him a great deal with the girls in his class. _Playboy_ was not a word they liked to hear. But the fingers that had brushed his chest before were eager and sloppy caresses. Takako's methodical rubbing was soothing, meant to take away pain. The lotion was meant to soothe the skin as it healed, to keep the scar from healing too badly. Each night, she massaged his scar gently, keeping away from the more raw parts of his skin.

"Why are you doing this? You don't have to, you know."

"I know I don't," she looked up at him, fingers splayed against his abdomen. "But you'll do it wrong, and you're not dying on me yet, Mimura."

There was distinct fondness in her voice, and Shinji felt as though he'd won a great victory. Hiroki had been right – Takako Chigusa was worth it. It had been damn difficult, especially living in such close quarters, but he'd finally befriended the robo-bitch and found the softness and humanity beneath.

He smiled. Who would have thought?

x

"Wake up,"

Takako stirred, but she was warm. Really warm. She hadn't been so comfortable in months. She turned comfortably towards the source of the warmth and kept her eyes closed.

The apartment had been cool – heat was money they didn't have. So was a real blanket. Part of the reason why she and Shinji stayed together at night was the hopes of a less-freezing rest.

"She's not a morning person. She'll wake up in a minute."

The comment irritated her, and just to prove him wrong, she blinked open, rubbing the sand from her eyes – and realized she was nestled in Shogo's lap.

"What the hell?" she demanded loudly, before belatedly realizing that yelling in Japanese on an apparently _very_ crowded bus was a terrible idea.

"Bunch of old people hopped on the bus, so Shogo grabbed your seat," Shinji explained, looking amused. "You were still knocked out so you took a nice little nap on me while Shogo slept, but too much weight on me still hurts."

"How long have I been out?" she demanded, twisting. All of the seats were taken, and it was bright out.

"Couple hours," Shogo shrugged. "But we're comin' close to our getaway, so we figured it was time to wake the Sleeping Beauty."

Flushing, she peered around. While his lap was comfortable, _she_ was not. This was _not_ dignified. In fact, the only boy she had even remotely touched was Hiroki – Niida did not count.

"Don't worry about it, Taka," Shogo chuckled, chewing an unlit cigarette between his teeth. "Carried Nori more times than I can count too. Don't be embarrassed."

She supposed she knew him well enough now – and his almost paternal attitude towards them all – that it was acceptable, but she couldn't fight down the faint blush that stained her cheeks. Shinji raised his brows, and she glared at him.

"Fifteen more minutes," he winked at her. "You can come on back over here if you really want too, Takako. I know how irresistible I am."

She scowled even more deeply, and nestled back into Shogo's chest, crossing her arms defiantly. "Dream about it, Mimura."

x

_Shinji's first night terror came late._

_It was their first, uncomfortable night travelling, and Takako, already nervous, told Shinji to sleep while she stood watch. It really wasn't necessary, but they were paranoid._

_At first, he slept peacefully, his body boneless and face completely neutral as he breathed evenly, slowly._

_Then he began fidgeting. She assumed it was because of the uncomfortable train. They were the only two at the moment – it was three thirty in the morning, and their car was empty. His head rested in her lap, an effort on her part to get him to shut up, but it seemed to only get worse, distress painting his face and twisting it._

_Gently, she brushed a hand over his cheek. Better to have him tired than trapped in whatever nightmare he was reliving – or reimagining._

_"Hey, shh… Shinji, you're having a nightmare."_

_His eyes flew open and met hers, shining with tears that he did not shed._

_"It was Yutaka," he choked, sitting up. "It's all my damn fault—"_

_"Don't!" she broke out painfully. "Just don't say that. Don't even think it."_

_In her usual abrasive fashion, her words were rough, but her sentiment was kind. She took his hand again. "Just try to sleep," she told him, watching the unfamiliar landscape speed by, almost too black to see. Being in an enclosed spaced where windows wouldn't open – it reminded her too clearly of the bus ride to hell. But she quashed her anxieties, and stroked the flop of Shinji's slowly growing hair until he fell asleep again._

_This time he did not cry out._

x

Shogo was in the middle of explaining how he had gotten them across the Canadian border so easily when Takako abruptly stopped listening.

"Hiroki!" she shrieked, and launched herself towards him. As the fastest girl at Shiroiwa Junior high, even with a torn thigh muscle she was still quick on her feet, ignoring the pain and leaping into the arms of her best friend.

"Taka—Thank goodness you're okay, I was so worried about you when you didn't show up, I wanted to look for you, but Shogo's orders—"

"No, it's okay, Shinji and I were together, but no…" her voice dropped to a whisper and she relished the feeling of his arms around her. "I've missed you a lot. How's Kayoko?"

While she had never quite worked up the courage to tell him her feelings, she knew they had to dissipate quickly while Kayoko was with them, elsewise her feelings would turn from envy to hatred in no time at all. And she liked the girl – she was a kid, like Noriko. Sweet, idealistic, and completely unable to take care of herself.

And of course, charming and cute.

No, she swore to herself months ago that she wouldn't let her jealousy color her feelings for Kayoko. Kotohiki was a very sweet girl, and she must be extremely wonderful if Sugi loved her, Takako told herself severely.

He did, too. He really loved Kayoko Kotohiki with his whole heart, because that was how Hiroki Sugimura did things, with his whole being.

"She's great, we're great… are you great?"

"I just missed you." Takako refused to cry again. She'd been doing far too much of that lately. Still, she couldn't help but blink a little more than usual, and squeeze Sugi harder than she ever had before, putting all her strength and her whole heart into the embrace.

She had missed her best friend.

x

"Tell me about myself."

"You're so vain. I missed that self-confidence of yours."

"If I was feeling self-confident I wouldn't need your reassurance. I need to make sure you remember every reason why you should love me."

"Hmm… Takako Chigusa… Well." Ever the poetry buff, Hiroki begins slowly, detailing his reasons artfully. "She is fierce, and brash and hard-headed and blunt. She is graceful and rather elegant and is often quiet and trapped in another world – not with stars in her eyes, but with an open-eyed look of confusion and surprise at the sudden, unexplained actions of others. Empathy does not mean understanding, and kindness and selflessness do not mean thoughtfulness.

"She is tall, with strong legs and hair that frames a soft, sharp face that quickly becomes tight and smiling with anger and soft again embarrassment and laughter. Sometimes selfish, sometimes mean, sometimes unable to escape the fantasy world she's created within her head, this one holds much close to her heart. While quiet, she is vocal about her feelings, and they remain trapped within her until her voice bursts out with all the energy and passion she must contain. She blinks with big, upward eyes that can look sly or innocent or heavy lidded with sleep or drugs.

"There is no maliciousness in her self-absorption. Like anyone else, she simply sometimes forgets to see through other's eyes – they are windows to the soul, and hers are already so big, if dusty, why does she need to peer through another's curtains or blinds or stained-glasses?"

Takako was touched by his effort. Hiroki wrote poetry often – it was one thing he loved more than martial arts. This was his passion, and he felt called to it. Of course, though, Sugi never pursued it. Too worried about failure and rejection. Unused to those, Takako did not understand his fearful shyness.

"Have you written any poems lately?"

He understood that was her way of praising him for his words. The art that came from his lips and mind were communicated through language, fluid and flexible, and it was the one thing capable of getting Taka to shut up and take a deep breath for once. She was always in a hurry.

What came next, was ultimately painful.

His words were calm and deliberate, slow, with a rhythm that came from the beat of the poem within his mind's eye – or perhaps the poem's rhythm came from the reverence in Sugi's voice. He did not have any particular talent like Noriko Nakagawa, but his heart was fully into it.

"Raised by water, I am far from home… the sea salty air, and delicate foam…

Calling me like moth to flame… so I know I must roam, until the earth morphs into... sand - beneath my toes."

Takako held his hand after that, and they were silent, in the manner of two people who know everything about each other and do not need words to speak.

x

"So did you ever end up confessing to Kayoko?"

"Uh, kind of…"

"Kind of isn't _yes_," Takako scolded. "I keep telling you to stop dithering around, come on, Hiroki, you just gotta do it. Do you think she likes you?"

It caused a pang in her chest to be giving him advice, but it was something she had always done before, and despite the pang in her chest, her greatest wish was his happiness.

x

"Long time no see, man," Shuuya and Shinji stood outside in the fading sunlight, the cool air quickly turning cold. The sky was a glowing orange.

"Shu, man, mind if I ask you a question? It's serious."

"Shoot."

"What happened in that light house, for real? How did you and Yukie manage to stay alive in that blood bath?"

Shuuya's wide eyes drooped a little, and he turned away. "I was injured… Hiroki got me to the lighthouse, and when I woke up, Yukie was there. And we talked… a-a-and she kissed me," Shu's face was scarlet at the confession. He was a virgin – or perhaps he would've been, if it weren't for Yukie Utsumi.

"How'd Noriko react? It was obvious she was into you."

"Yukie was very… possessive, I guess. I think she kind of overwhelmed Nori. And besides, I could never… not Noriko – Yoshi liked her, and I could never try to take her. I needed to protect her first, before I could even think of anything else."

So Noriko's virginity was like a testament to Shu's friendship with Yoshi. Weird. And probably a huge misconception on Shuuya's part, but Noriko was more perceptive than she often got credit for. She had figured it out, Shinji guessed, and accepted it.

Maybe that was why she had been so willing to let Shogo lock her up in a safe hidey-hole up here. And if someone cared about Noriko, it was Shogo.

x

Hirono and Shogo were smoking cigarettes outside, silently watching Noriko and Kayoko garden. Yukie had fallen asleep, exhausted by crossing the border – the boat Shogo had arranged for them had been small, and Yukie was prone to seasickness.

Shinji was standing by himself, a little ways down the long, gravel driveway. He did not know how Shogo had done this – he would insist on getting all the details as soon as possible. Shogo was the unofficial leader, but Shinji was done following his orders with no rhyme or reason. They didn't have their collars any longer, and so it was time to talk.

Silvery and soft like the nearly blue-black nighttime, Takako's voice carried gently to him: "You look tired."

She had not spoken to him since she'd reunited with Hiroki, and he admitted to some jealousy. Perhaps it was not even over Takako – perhaps he merely missed _his_ best friend. Hiroki still had his, but Yutaka was dead. Shinji had seen to that, using him as an inadvertent human shield.

"I guess I am."

"Are you sleepy, or are you tired?" she asked him meaningfully. Her hair had been dyed back to its natural color and her hair had been cut shorter, with bangs that covered her forehead. Due to the months they'd spent away from a real haircut, the frayed tips of her dark brown hair met her black eyebrows, and her face was almost soft as she looked up at him. He had grown taller in the past few months – he didn't rival Sugimura or Kawada in height, but he was at least an inch or two taller than he had been before.

Or perhaps it was the tired set to Chigusa's spine that made him think so.

"Both." His answer was curt, but it was not rudeness. After three months, they knew each other's bodies and movements and gestures.

"Are you sleeping with me?"

The question startled him. Of course, Takako was always upfront about her feelings and questions. He attempted to muster up a joke, with a real, physical effort, but she stopped him with a hand in his.

"Don't," she whispered softly, and he swallowed his words. "I just want to be there."

In case of the nightmares. She did not speak the words and he squeezed her slender fingers. He was grateful. He really was.

x

At night, sometimes they could hear Shuuya's humming. The moments before he fell asleep were poignant, his soft voice carrying slightly. At first, Shinji had ignored it. Now he paid close attention, wondering if it was a coping mechanism.

"Talk about a dream… try to make it real…" his melodious voice was actually more impressive than Shinji had ever given him credit for. "You wake up in the night, with a fear so real…" someone shifted – perhaps Yukie, watching him, or Hirono, shifting in an attempt to ignore him. "You spend your life waiting for a moment that just don't come. Well, don't waste your time waiting…"

Was it prophecy? Was it an epiphany? Or was it a dumb rock-star wannabe trying to comfort himself to sleep?

Regardless, Shinji began to appreciate it.


	4. Chapter 4

_They were cemented together the first time she kissed him._

_He'd given up on his attraction to her long ago. Shinji had not wanted a girlfriend, and he _enjoyed_ sleeping around. However, after their world imploded, and they were alone and afraid and chilly, and he was still in agony from a pain that might never leave, and she was crippled – he just stopped caring about it all._

_Uncle had been afraid of him never being in love, but now, even lust was a luxury Shinji couldn't afford to feel._

_Because of this, passion did not brush up like a wildfire when she kissed him. Though she was gorgeous, the prettiest in their class, that didn't matter. He had been lounging against a wall when suddenly she turned and crawled to him, before facing him, her good leg pressing against his. This was delicacy and tenderness, mixed with a little bit of fear and a lot of curiosity._

_They had been arguing a few hours before, but after a few hours of quiet, when she turned so suddenly, he did not know if she was going to apologize or slap him. Either one was a reasonable guess. Instead she leaned forward, exhaling while he inhaled, staring deeply into his eyes as if looking deeply enough would show her his thoughts. Once, her proximity would've been enough to spark him aflame. Now, all he felt was a dull ache in his suddenly unsteadily thudding heart. Shinji's breath hitched in his throat as rough, chapped lips gently alighted on his own. Her lips were slender and delicate. They merely rested on his for a moment. What he really wanted to do was take her in his arms and hold her, comfort her – if Takako was coming to him, she must have felt fragile – but he was in no position to offer warmth or protection or sweet nothings. He was just as fucked as she was._

_So instead he caught her chin in his hand as she slowly moved away and locked eyes with her. Her small-boned face felt fragile and birdlike in his grip, and he felt nothing but infinite tenderness while she tried to take silent, inconspicuous breaths. Fear and timidity was stamped across her angular features, and if he had been told a year ago that Chigusa would kiss him, he'd have found that less likely than the thought of being chosen in the Program._

_Pulling her back to him, he kissed her back, just as gently, smoothing his lips over hers and puckering her bottom lip between his own. He made sure to be slow, careful. While hoping for 'special' was overrated, he could at least give her what she seemed to be looking for. This was her first kiss._

_Or perhaps it wasn't, because she never confessed outright to him about what had occurred between her and Niida. _

_S_ugimura, damn you for not finding her first.

x

_Yutaka's dead body swam in his mind's eye… Iijima… the shot he missed. Kazuo Kiriyama._

_Shinji would be joining them in a minute—_

"_Shinji_! Shinji, it's just a nightmare."

No, it was real. It was real and it was his fucking fault.

x

_Somehow everyone was dead. Kazuo, dead in the explosion. Mitsuko – who knew how she had died. Suicide? Injuries? Drowning? Tripping at the wrong angle?_

_Everyone else... they were all just gone, invisible, no contact made with them whatsoever. It was like they never existed. No bodies, no killers, no proof. It was damn near miraculous. Everything about Shinji's miserable goddamn existence was a miracle. Sure, he was in the Program and his best friend was dead, but somehow he was fucking alive. _

_Shinji had killed Iijima and Kiriyama. Takako had killed Niida. Shu had run into Tatsumichi with a machete. Hirono had given Kaori a fatal shot. Shogo had killed god-knew how many kids in his life. Even those of them who were not now killers did not remain untouched._

_It was just them – Yukie and Shuuya, who had found him and Taka, Hiroki and Kayoko, who had burned fires like Shogo ordered, Hirono, who was sporting a giant bullet hole in her shoulder, and Noriko Nakagawa. Nine left. _

_They decided Shinji would be the one to win._

_He was too weak to sneak in the shadows, and genius enough to plan something that would leave him the victor._

_"I hope they all fucking bet on Kiriyama. I hope all of them fucking lost millions." Takako said venomously, just before she died._

_Of course, he killed Taka first – she was the most badly injured besides himself. Then Hirono. And Shogo, who was likely to be his greatest threat. Shuuya. Hiroki, who would be driven to action by grief and shock. Then Yukie – and Kayoko and Noriko died at nearly the same moment. His aim was off, of course, because he was so shaky, that was why it took nearly five minutes to kill them all. But he won._

_And he was the one who had to wear his damn collar until the end. He was pissed about that, and reamed them out for weeks after about it._

x

_Sometimes, they did not speak for days on end._

_It drove Taka crazy._

_A restless Takako Chigusa was the height of Shinji's warped amusement. No television, hardly any books or newspapers – watching her pace and pull her hair was the next best thing._

_He couldn't quite remember when he'd become so… different. It seemed as though everything he said rubbed her wrong – and she constantly needled him. Fighting back was entertainment, though, and they were both starved for it._

x

Shogo took them to target practice – in pairs, of course, debating on who would need the most and least assistance. Kayoko and Shinji went together – it turned out she was a natural shot.

When they returned home, after Shinji had hit dozens of near bullseyes, he walked down the path and wept for Yutaka and Iijima, silently, until dehydration was more demanding than sorrow.

A little red dot was far easier to hit than Kiriyama, and apparently Ijima was easier to hit than a little red dot. He could hit a little red mark, but he couldn't get the clutch shot.

The next day, Hiroki and Takako went, to another place, and Hiroki had been terrible – but by the end of the session he could hold a gun properly, at least. Taka could shoot, though not as well as Kayoko. Shinji had been impressed by the small girl, who easily mastered it.

Noriko had small skill at it, but the kick of the pistols were too strong for her and interfered with her aim. Hirono and Yukie were average, and Shuuya couldn't have been worse if he tried.

He supposed their talents suited them – with the exception of Kotohiki.

x

They were hidden now, because of Shogo. Those miserable months spent in hidden separation were all worth it. Now they were safe, and together, and nobody knew how he did it, but he was a damn miracle-worker.

x

The first time Shinji felt normal again was after Takako ordered a pizza – they all ate and sat around the floor of the small house Noriko had been set up with and simply chattered about inanities – partially due to Shinji's ability to put anyone at ease, and partially due to Noriko's easy-going casualness that she injected into the conversation, and mostly due to Kayoko's shrieking over an enormous spider she found in the corner.

They were simply friends again, if just for a few precious moments. Before they remembered.

x

"Are you happy?"

The question was kind, and Takako shrugged. "I'm happy he's happy."

"But are _you_ really happy?"

He stood behind her, and she let him, gazing up at him. Those piercing eyes cut through her.

His lashes were long and spiky. Taka felt herself reach out to touch the softness of his hair, flopping forward, so opposite of his old spikes. They were all different now.

This time, he kissed her first, and he was hungry. Starved, actually, and Takako was manna in a desert.

However, when he deepened the kiss, she pulled away. He discerned the regret in her eyes, but she shook her head.

"We're just going to keep it simple… okay?"

x

"So we're on this terrible boat with a shady fisherman who doesn't speak English or Japanese, and Yukie's puking her guts out over the side, and we don't know what the hell we're doing—" Shuuya was grinning his head off, like the big idiot he was, when Shogo interrupted.

"I know what we're doin'. We're heading outta here as soon as possible. A big group like this is like to attract attention. This can be home base, but we need an HQ, someplace away from Nori. We're putting her in danger by stayin' here. She's got a life here now, and it's dangerous for us and cruel to her if we disturb that." Shogo interrupted.

Their place was rural, with hardly any houses. But the vastness of the empty space around them made Shogo nervous.

"Are you going to stay, Kayoko?" Hiroki pleaded with her, gentle eyes hopeful. Previously, she had fire. She had refused. But now, after a month of relative freedom and normalcy, she wavered. They all did, even Shogo. They had become used to this life, had forgotten the terror of the hunt. After everything, Shogo admitted it was foolish. Never forget.

"Well, _I'm_ staying," Hirono interrupted. "I'm goddamn sick of this shit. While I was waiting for those months until we'd meet up again, I had no cash. I whored myself out worse than Mitsuko ever could've. I'm done. I want a garden. At home, I never even had a yard."

"I'm staying," Kayoko admitted, hands trembling. "I wanted to be brave for you guys… but it's hard. It's too hard for me. I miss beautiful things and every day, boring life. I never realized just how much I thrived off the mundane."

It was a eulogy to fear, a love confession to normalcy.

"And I… me too." Hiroki's voice was quiet and shameful, and although nobody could blame him, he still looked guilty. "Just… that kind of life isn't for me—"

"It's not for anyone," Shu interrupted, face hard. "But we don't blame you for a second. You don't need to justify anything to us. We're your friends, Hiroki, not your jailers. Besides, someone needs to take care of Hirono and Noriko and Kayoko, right?"

Hiroki's face was visibly relieved, as if a death sentence was postponed. "Thank you," he coughed out, voice thick.

Shogo pawed at his pockets for a cigarette that would not appear – the Wild Sevens were too expensive here, and withdrawal was a bitch. "What we gotta do, is get outta here. Any other dissenters?"

The group remained silent. Shogo breathed out. "Just by being alive, that's a stab at them there. Just surviving that damn 'Program' means we won, at least a little. And you guys rememberin' and appreciating what it's like to be _normal_… that's the biggest victory of all. We aren't going back there – at least not for a long time. So what we gotta do is what Shinji was doing before Kazuo trashed it."

"Internet… harassment?" Yukie asked, puzzled.

"A lot of it. Propaganda. Getting the word out there. It's more effective than you think. 'Specially in a country like this. Freedom of speech? Got it. Nobody's getting shot in the street for mouthin' off here. There's a lot of information on the uncensored Web."

Shinji nodded. With the fresh air and access to medicine and real food, his wound was close to better. The wound was closed, and he felt like a new man. Grimly, he shook his head. "What we have to do first is find our new hidey-hole… and a couple of computers. Me and Shogo are gonna teach you guys to hack."

x

"I'm going to miss you so much," Hiroki whispered in her ear. Takako quashed her delight and hugged him back, squeezing tightly. He lifted her off her feet slightly, and the warmth of his body was the nicest thing she'd felt since she'd gone to a day spa back home, a million years ago.

"I love you," she told him, keeping her voice level.

Sweet and naïve, Sugi smiled and put her down. "I love you too, Taka. Be back soon, rather than later, okay?"

This time, the hardly acknowledged thudding in Shinji's chest was not the envy he felt at close kinship. Now it was entirely made up of jealousy. He wanted to be the one Taka needed.

She would never need him.

x

In the end, they couldn't bear to leave and separate themselves again.

Deciding that separating was 'expensive and unnecessary' and that unity was what would keep them alive, Shogo got them a cabin in the woods, far away from people. Close enough to Noriko's new job, but still in the middle of nowhere – which soothed the more paranoid in the group. No more hotels and motels and crashing at abandoned houses. No more moving, no more illegal.

Of course, it was because of Noriko. Shogo Kawada moved mountains for the small girl, but refused to admit it. Though his blushing was perhaps the biggest giveaway to Shuuya and Shinji, who were otherwise clueless.

x

Every day, Taka split wood. It was not methodical – it was hard work, and she often missed and cried out in fury and frustration. Her hands grew calluses and blisters that bled until one day, the axe flew from her hands and she was sobbing, cracked, bloody hands covering her face. She did not know how or why she suddenly broke down, and only that she could not stop.

Everything was terrible and broken and the axe's now cracked handle was the final straw. It lay on the grass pitifully and she stared at it between the cracks of her fingers, until tears and blood blinded her. She was as cracked as the old wooden handle, as deceptively fragile. It was a weapon, it was broken and useless and fit for scraps. She saw herself there, muscles useless from disuse, psyche shattered, ugly and rude and completely disheartened.

"Damn you, what's the matter?" Shogo shook her roughly, but she only shrieked and punched at him to let go, her blows weak and ineffectual against the damn _wall_ of his chest, her grief and jealousy and loneliness imploding in her heart until she felt herself shriveling. Barreling footsteps sped over and she was ripped out of the bear-like grasp and wrapped in thinner arms, a hard, lean chest and she did not have the strength to push away or to even stand. She did not care who it was, she could not see, but she only felt the familiarity and she recognized him from muscle memory as her forehead bumped against the sharpness of his collar bone.

So he supported her until her shrieks subsided into hiccoughs, and stroked her hair gently, and she felt half-asleep in his arms and he asked her, quietly: "Let me help you."

Never before had she felt stupider and weaker and more useless but she could only shudder in his arms because, despite herself, she _needed_ his help, she needed _him._ If only because Sugi could never love her the way she needed or wanted, and she might _never_ let go, and Shinji was there, and he was comfort and kindness and he was _everything_.

He was everything except for Hiroki Sugimura.

x

"You're so good."

"I've been told that before, but the context was always a little different."

His teasing was always gentle now, never malicious. She was always honest, and always reminded him that he was important. Something fundamental in their relationship changed when she cried and he did not mock her. Perhaps it was trust. Trust that was new-found and important and strong, somehow. Things that were new were often likened to newborn colts and animals, weak and leggy and beautiful. This was not like that - it was not the melting of a wall between them, but a ladder given to each of them, putting them on the same level, so that their eyes always met.

"I meant as a person." She did not wrinkle her nose in disgust or smile widely.

"What makes you say that?"

"You've been here. With me. You stayed."

To Taka, at this point, the ultimate sign of loyalty was his presence. He chose her first - unlike Sugi. He needed her - he needed Taka. He needed a best friend. He did not stray away - unlike Hiroki. Though he held no illusions about his importance to her, he held her close at night, and that mattered to him. What mattered to her was his emotional proximity, while he cherished her physical nearness.

"I'm only here because you saved me."

She fell silent. "I think… we make a pretty good team."

The smile he gave her was gentle. "I think so, too."

x

Yukie, surprisingly enough, figured out typing with more ease than Shinji had when his uncle had taught him. As a hacker, a gossip-monger, and online activist, she _excelled_.

They wrote a blog, where she researched topics and discussed them – especially political ones that involved the Greater East Asian Republic. It was an obsession for her, and she was nonstop on the computer Shinji had made. Slowly, over the course of a few months, they got a few readers. Some seemed crazy – conspiracy theorists who asked about aliens and the Mayans and other sorts of strange ideas that weren't really relevant. Others, though, seemed to have just stumbled across it and read on, expanding their overseas knowledge the way Shinji once had, back home.

Taka was surprised at her growing fondness for the class representative, who she had once dismissed as annoying and far too peppy. She was obviously, devastatingly in love with Shuuya, who seemed by turns oblivious and uncomfortable, but that only made Takako more sympathetic to the girl. They were in the same boat, after all.

x

The way Shinji curled into her at night drove her nuts. She often woke up with his breath softly tickling her ear or cheek, his arm wrapped around hers and knees entwined in her legs. But she never moved, never woke him, never mentioned it. After he'd wake her, she'd simply curl down into him, her back to his belly, and pull his arm down over her side, clasping his limp hand.

x

Taka had a _job_. During the day, she served burgers in a tiny shirt. She was paid less than this country's minimum wage, but they were all ecstatic. It was more than they could hope for.

Shogo did too: construction, and every night he returned home exhausted, and Takako rubbed his shoulders, the way she used to rub Shinji's stomach.

_I'm not jealous_, he told himself. _I'm only wishing for a pretty girl's hand on me. It's not envy, it's just my libido_.

x

Shuuya's arm was still useless – he still hadn't mastered one-handed firearms, or much of anything besides cooking.

Noriko occasionally sent letters – she and Hiroki shared them, and reading them was like reading fairy tales. She wrote letters and left them beneath Hirono's pillow, in Yukie's shoe, in Shu's jacket pocket.

The garden grew gloriously. Hirono had a respectable job sweeping up at a bank. Hiroki was practicing his martial arts. Kayoko was doing just fine, happy and safe. Yukie was thriving as a diplomatic leader of an online revolution. Shogo occasionally was able to get his hands on cigarettes - though he no longer bought name brands. Shu was in emotional turmoil, though neither Noriko nor Yukie seemed to notice or acknowledge it. Takako cut her hair again - shorter and choppier and uglier. Shinji grew taller and thinner - looking careworn, but never without his earring.

Every part of the letters seemed superficial, but perhaps that was the nature of written communication, when they were far too used to censoring themselves.

x

The blog had gained a thousand readers. Yukie had never been prouder. Shogo had never been more restless. Shuuya had never been more fascinated. Takako and Shinji had never been closer.

x

He was sure everyone else assumed they were together. Far from it, but Shinji did not disabuse their misconception.

After nearly a year of sleeping together, he began to kiss her good night.

x

When the blog hit five thousand regular readers, Shogo and Shinji began to work their skills.

Everyone who hit the blog had the website for the Program's directors downloaded to become their homepage.

After that little trick, their viewers tripled.

x

Shogo, Shinji, and Yukie designed a bug that managed to crawl into the IP address of every user and opened their e-mail. Every contact of every person who even loaded the page received an email with detailed blueprints of the collars, of several years of arenas and relocated persons orders, as well as obituaries for nearly a thousand students.

The reader count log grew exponentially. Shinji put an ad on the side bar and they received money for every hit their website received.

When Yukie opened the browser to the news, the first headline she saw brought tears to her eyes.

GREATER EAST ASIAN REPUBLIC – UTOPIA GONE WRONG?


	5. Chapter 5

American negotiations ended badly. War broke out, hardly five hundred miles away from their feet.

"We have to go back home," Yukie beseeched Shogo, who, with his cigarettes was once more complacent and generous, but point-blank refused. It was foolishness on her part anyway. Sentimentality had no place here.

Shuuya agreed with Shogo, and Shinji cringed, looking at Taka, who stonily stared ahead and did not offer her opinion.

x

"How long have you loved him?"

"A long time. Too long. I don't know."

"Could you ever stop?"

"Probably. I hope so."

"What about me?" he asked plaintively, a dozen different questions in every nuance of his question.

She smiled sadly and kissed his cheek. "I don't know. We're more complicated than that, I guess."

x

When they had come home with Shogo, she ran into Noriko's arms first, which he saw with a tinge of… relief? Satisfaction?

Of course, that dissipated when she curled into Hiroki's glad embrace.

x

_Takako sat with Hiroki's friends outside of the school, standing slightly outside of his group. They were chattering about some television show that had been cancelled, with Yoshitoki and Shuuya shouting their dismay loudly enough for the next district over to hear them._

_"_Maximum Carnage_ was the greatest show to air in this district!" Shuuya declared, his short hair falling into his face – he was obviously trying to grow it out longer, and it was still in the awkward stage._

_Yoshitoki shook his head mournfully. "I don't understand why they would take it off the air after seven years. That show was a legacy."_

_"It was the same stuff every episode," Yutaka argued, his little frame not yet out of place amongst his friends – though he'd been the same height since elementary school, the others hadn't reached their full heights. Takako was the tallest one standing in the group, with the exception of Kuninobu, who stood level with her._

_"He's got a point," Hiroki hastily tried to intervene as Shinji Mimura tackled his best friend, wrestling the smaller boy to the ground with mock aggression. _

_Takako remained silent. She and Hiroki walked home together every day, but today, he'd been attacked by his newly made friends. Too shy to speak, she simply waited, patiently, for him to finish with them._

_Slowly, over the weeks, with her waiting becoming part of her daily ritual, she became a silent member of their group – second-handedly invited to parties and hangouts and houses, though she never would've expected it and never did realize it. Her absence from their group off school grounds had them wondering, and when the term 'robo-bitch' was first coined, they were not fully sure they disagreed._

x

"I never did thank you, Mim."

"What do you mean?"

"When they killed Yoshi… and shot at Noriko. In the beginning. The only reason me and Noriko weren't also shot was because of you. You were cool in there, when it mattered."

By now, Shuuya suspected Shinji's previous experience with the government had been more informative than his own. But he didn't know about Shinji's late Uncle Hajime, and Shinji did not really feel like sharing the information. Not because he didn't trust Shu – but the less people knew, the safer. Even now. Especially now.

Anyway, it still hurt to add 'late' as a prefix to 'Uncle'.

x

"The best part about this place is the music!" Shuuya grinned enthusiastically. "I've never heard this much rock'n'roll in my entire life! It's all legal – it's free!"

Noriko and Yukie both had tolerant smiles on their faces as Shuuya mock-played his imaginary guitar. After a moment though, he stopped, his expression twisted as if the joy had been ripped from his face. Because he didn't have a real guitar. It was back where he could never get it again.

x

_Takako was more like Hiroki's shadow when she sat with them – her presence a given, but unobtrusive. The first time she really felt any sort of connection with any of them, though, was one day during lunch._

_The boys were fooling around, with Takako sitting on Sugi's desk, the others messing around. Nanahara had brought out his guitar and was yelling lyrics to some American song, loudly and without any particular musical finesse. _

_"Play something else, Shu," Yutaka complained, scribbling something down in his notebook._

_"Yeah, and keep it down!" Yoshi scolded, biting down onto his lunch, which Shinji kept trying to grab pieces from._

_"No! Rock and roll is a religion, Mister Nobu, and I am a holy man." Shuuya explained with superiority. "Besides, the neighbors yell at Mrs. Ryoko when I'm too loud."_

_"Practice more quietly, then. You know you aren't even supposed to know this music exists, let alone play it."_

_"Who's gonna tell? Besides, I need to practice for my future as a rock star. I gotta get better before Springsteen retires, so we can play together."_

_"At this rate, you never will," Shinji teased, popping something into his mouth, to Yoshi's chagrin._

_Takako and Hiroki laughed at that, and Shuuya's face went red. "Traitors!" he shouted dramatically. "Whose side are you on anyway? This is betrayal! Do you think Paul McCartney ever had to deal with friends like you? No! He was too busy being in the greatest band of all time! Bruce Springsteen, Elvis –"_

_"I don't think you're any of those guys," Yoshi pointed out dryly. "Besides, they know how to sing—"_

_"Everyone has to start somewhere. Hey, practice makes perfect, so let's try it again," he began shamelessly, and even Takako couldn't keep the amusement off her face as the kid sang his heart out._

x

_"You never really did tell us what happened when you blew up the warehouse," Shogo looked directly at Shinji, who was recovering nicely._

_He sighed and looked away. "We built a bomb – me and Yutaka, and we were gonna bomb the school. We would've managed it too, if it weren't for Iijima and Kiriyama."_

_"They teamed up?" Hirono asked, incredulous. "Iijima and Kiriyama?"_

_"No – Iijima found us first. I didn't trust him," Shinji admitted, trying to keep the explanation simple. This wasn't a confessional. "So I shot him." Nobody was shocked. Takako had killed someone. Hirono had gotten into a gunfight with another girl. Shogo had been in the games twice. Shuuya, in a scuffle, had accidentally gotten someone killed. They had all witnessed death, and did not condemn him. "I guess Kiriyama was drawn by the noise. The next thing I knew, Yutaka was dead, and my guts were practically at my knees. So I managed to blow him up with the bomb that was supposed to be for the school. If I'm gonna be completely honest, I thought I was gonna die, then and there."_

_Shogo looked impressed. "That would've done nicely. You had a plan?"_

_"Yeah… getting the bomb close was the hard part, but we were so close. If we hadn't been interrupted, a couple more people might've lived."_

_Maybe a dozen more could've been saved at that point. He didn't remember. He had thrown out his map in contempt and guilt._

_"You were almost dead when we found you," Yukie added quietly. "I'm not quite sure how you lived after that much blood loss."_

_He shrugged. "It's pretty fuzzy after that." He gave Taka a look, as if wondering if she knew. She didn't answer._

x

_Mimura was alive, _alive_, _**alive**_, and Hiroki would find them, Takako rejoiced, belated affection for the boy flooding her. A friend. Her first reaction upon seeing him was that he was a friend, and he was hurt._

_There was blood everywhere – not just on him. She took off his jacket – what did she know about blood loss? Once, she had donated blood – hardly any, but they made her sit down and eat and drink. Ignoring them, she had stood up immediately – and fainted. _

_She dug through her pack – half of her bread was still left. He was barely conscious, and she did not want to shake him, or make any noise._

_"Shinji," she called him by his first name. "Shinji, you have to eat this."_

_He only blinked up at her, his eyes unfocused. He did not speak, but he managed to lock eyes with her, their darkness compelling and filled with pain._

_The first bite, he hardly chewed. She tried to wash it down with water, but even swallowing was an effort. She cradled his head in her arm, like her mother had showed her when Ayako had been just a tiny girl, and poured the liquid down his throat, dribbling it slowly and gently, tiny bits at a time, making sure he didn't cough or choke. Then, too dazed and worried to be embarrassed by even thinking of this, she chewed the bread before making him eat it._

_Praying he was too close to unconsciousness to remember, she had him finish off all her bread that way, before letting him rest. _

_Maybe it was half an hour, or two hours, but eventually she staggered up. Shinji managed to stand on his own, but nearly collapsed the second he managed it, like a wobbly colt, newly born and weak. She couldn't tell if it was the pain or just the fact that this was the Program and he was weak, and sick, and she couldn't stand it if he died on her._

_What would Hiroki say?_

x

_"Shit! It's a miracle this kid's alive." Shogo grunted, stitching up the wound. "Tape was a great idea though. Not the best dressing, but it kept his guts in."_

_"Is he going to die?" Noriko asked him worriedly, wrapping the bandages around the hardly-conscious Mimura._

_"Dunno. I'd say that the fact he's alive now makes it a pretty good chance for him. Unless infection sets in, or we get another player shooting at us again, I'd say he's got a decent chance."_

_"What about—" her voice broke into a squeaking whisper, and Takako, with irritation forced herself awake to hear Kawada's response._

_"She'll be fine. Beaten a little bloody, but she's not in danger. Well… besides the kids with guns, she's not. And it seems like she's listening just as attentively as you, huh, Chigusa?"_

_She scowled at her enormous classmate. Then she remembered just how much she owed him. Bowing her head, she muttered: "Thanks for all your help."_

_She didn't know how Yukie and Shuuya managed to find him, but she and Shinji were alive now – they'd _live_._

x

"What part of home do you miss the most?"

Hirono answered first, grinning. "The beauty parlor. I haven't had a pedicure in a year."

"I didn't like town. I like the woods," Kayoko disagreed. "It was always nice to get out of the bustle."

"Well, I miss the school building." Yukie put in thoughtfully. "There were a lot of great memories. We were lucky to have such a good place as our school."

"What about you, Taka?" Noriko asked brightly. "I always liked the bakery down the street from the school – do you know which one? It always smelled great. I wish I had gotten a job there."

"I miss… my cross-country route- it was beautiful." And lonely and quiet. It had been her own little space to think. She had often stopped there and rested in the grass – it passed by a lake. It was tranquil there. She hadn't felt tranquil in so long.

"Hirono... if you don't mind me asking, why did you cut your hair?" Yukie asked her suddenly. "I mean, before. You had such gorgeous hair, everyone was so jealous of it..."

Hirono shook her head and scowled. "You know I did some messed up shit when I ran with Mitsuko and Yoshimi. Well, one night, I fucked something up, and Mitsuko had a guy jump me. He cut my hair. Figured it was better to walk in with a buzz-cut makeover than half my head shorn and a swollen face, y'know? That was the first time we ever prostituted. Shit sucks. I don't recommend it. Yoshimi wasn't cut out for it - Mitsuko only made her do it once, and she was a heartless bitch."

"Why did you stay friends with her?" Kayoko asked directly, in her startlingly open manner.

Shrugging, Hirono ran a hand through her growing locks. "Guess she was all I had. Money, power, 'friendship'... And scumbags wanted me. It's a heady thing. I did drugs, I stole. And I didn't fail a single class. I was on top of the world. But the last thing I'd do is trust Mitsuko with my life. I was the one who gave her the nickname 'Hardcore'."

Takako grinned at her - not her angry grin, but a smile that somehow broke through her lips and showed little white teeth. "You picked out 'Robo-Bitch', too, didn't you?"

Not even bothering to look sheepish, Hirono smirked right back. "Sure as shit did. I was on the mark, too... _Was_."

x

Shogo and Takako's workplaces were very close to Noriko's. They dropped her off first. Usually, she'd walk over to the construction site and wait for him after. Luckily, it was an enormous complex that was being built, which meant a lot of work and longer payroll. Conveniently, they kept similar hours. The longest one had ever had to wait for the other was hour. Then, they'd get Noriko, who was fed by her family and often brought home food that the mother had kept in the fridge for them. It wasn't much, but it was kindness.

Secretly, she enjoyed it when he came to her first. Her English was getting better by the day, but when she was nervous, she couldn't keep the words straight in her head. Later in the day, guys from the construction site often came in for dinner, and when Shogo was with her, they fell silent and did not heckle her. It annoyed her that she wasn't able to command respect from them by sheer intimidation, but with a limp and an accent, she knew she didn't present a particularly ominous figure.

x

Takako's shyness had once been her greatest weakness. It was crippling, to this day, but combined with her new-found – and difficult to master – fearlessness became what seemed to most a standoffish attitude that alienated many of her classmates and peers. She did not care. She had never been one to back down from a challenge, but when it came to others her age? It was terrifying.

Having Hiroki as a best friend was nice. Even if she could not be brave for herself, she could be strong for him.

x

One thing that Hiroki, Takako, and Shinji all shared was a copy of their favorite picture: the same picture. It had been at a festival, and Yoshitoki had offered to take a picture of Takako and Hiroki with her friend Kahoru. However, just as the timid boy had snapped the portrait, Shinji, Yutaka, and Shuuya had appeared behind the trio, leapfrogging over them with a silent effort that had them all completely in shock.

Takako's favorite was the first one – the three standing together, with Shuuya in the background, a finger to his lips as he crept forward with Yutaka and Shinji flanking him, looking mischievous, Hiroki, Kahoru, and herself still posing obliviously.

Shinji's favorite was the second one that Yoshi had taken in his surprise and amusement: the first instant they realized the prank, turning slightly at the breeze behind them and the fingers ghosting over their shoulders, with Yutaka gleefully already bouncing off Kahoru's shoulders, and Shuuya preparing to launch off Sugi's.

Hiroki's favorite was the last one – with Shinji soaring through the air, Shuuya flashing a V (_victory_, for their beautiful prank), and Yutaka and Kahoru tumbling down, the former laughing and the latter looking shocked. One of the best parts of the picture, however, was Hiroki's expression at seeing Shinji collapsing atop Takako – utter shock and horror, combined with faint amusement that he struggled to cover.

Takako's expression, however, made it priceless – a second before realization hit, mid-action as she swung around, not understanding, knees giving out at the sudden weight, hair flying, face completely unguarded in complete dumbfoundedness.

The only sad part was none of them had any of the photos. They were all far away, just like every piece of evidence that proved these junior high students had ever been real.

x

What annoyed Shinji the most, he decided, was the way they moved together.

After nearly a decade of friendship, they moved around one another like planets in orbit. Ease was what came to mind, watching them. While he often bickered with Takako, and Hiroki blushed when Kayoko even appeared in the same room, the two simply moved in complete unison.

They did not touch often – they didn't need too. Their love was in the questioning expression he always threw her way, as if requiring reassurance for his very existence. It was present in the smile Taka wore watching him bumble about, attempting to awkwardly woo Kayoko, who was by turns oblivious and knowing, flirtatious and surprised. Their affection and need was in every movement, every glance that the other did not quite catch, every gesture that stood alone as a declaration of kinship and unselfish love.

It was not as simple as Shinji wanted it to be.

x

_"Every girl you go for turns out to be a whack job, or has a 'prior commitment'." Takako sipped her water, glaring at him. She did _not_ want to spend her birthday gossiping with him about his newest crush._

_"No—"_

_"Yuko Sakaki? Whack job. Yukiko? Not a real functioning person without her other half. Mizuho? Whack job. Mayumi? Her boyfriend just broke up with her, apparently, so if you're—"_

_Looking sheepish, Hiroki held up his hands. "Sorry, I didn't mean to- it's your birthday—"_

_She sighed, and leaned forward. "Your problem is you pick girls who need to be taken care of, Sugi. I'm just worried. Yuko didn't come to school for two weeks last year after Ryuhei got into that fight. Mizuho plays goddamn Dungeons and Dragons, and don't even try to defend that to me, I see your face—"_

_"You're right."_

_With two words, he stopped her ranting. Annoyed that she could not vent her irrational jealousy, and guilty that she had made him feel bad, she shook her head, reaching for his hand before he could tap his damned nose. "No… I'm not. Tell me all about her. Why do you like her?" She didn't ask for the girl's name, knowing it'd embarrass him to tell her this early. _

_It was not how she wanted to spend her dinner, but she'd sit through hell for him. After all, he was the one who insisted on taking her out after she had such a terrible day._

_His handsome face lit up, and he smiled bashfully. "Well, you're gonna say it's dumb," he confessed with the ease of a friend who knows his words are valued. "But it was kind of because of practice…"_

x

"You always look so sad, lately."

"Why wouldn't I be? Rough year, Taka."

"I know, but I don't know what to do – how to make you feel better?"

The words were quiet – uttered with the shyness that had taken Shinji and the others so long to recognize in this vain, independent girl. He smiled and wrapped an arm around her. "I'm okay. It's nice that you care, though."

She nestled into his grasp. She relied on him more than she had ever intended – and more than she realized. "You helped me."

"You ran me off as soon as I walked you to the clinic. I didn't help you for shit. I was still angry about that – even during the Program. Sugimura was furious at me too."

"No, I mean – that's not what I meant."

He was startled at the dizzying sadness in her sharply-defined eyes. "I thought—"

She quieted him when she covered his mouth with her hand and rested her ear against his chest, quietly counting his heartbeats.


	6. Chapter 6

Shinji only felt Takako move out of bed, quickly, jackknifing out of his grip. Rolling over, he grunted. Was she going to be sick? It took him a moment to gain the motivation to stretch out of bed. His scars were healed well enough that sudden movements did not hurt as much, but he was still pretty limited. He had tried to jump out the door once and had been in the floor in an embarrassing show of weakness and sheer agony.

Stretching and yawning, he exited their closet-turned-bedroom, rubbing his eyes and ears – and finally hearing the moaning and thumping and shouting. Where had that come from? Groggily, he wondered if Hirono had finally cracked and killed Shu.

Quickly becoming more alert, he tumbled through the door, sans pants, and tried to take in sense from the blackness around him. Hirono, who slept on the floor, was still fast asleep, but Kayoko and Noriko were sobbing. How could she sleep through that? The grogginess of the past year had gotten to him, and he was no longer alert.

Then it hit him.

"What happened?" he demanded, whirling around a hysterical Noriko. Then, intensely: "Where is everyone?"

"Hirono –" Noriko choked out, her small frame wracked by sobs. "I don't know, I went to the bathroom and when I came out – Shu and Yukie… and I screamed and… someone came running out- Hiroki… I don't even..."

She could not continue, her hiccoughs swallowing her voice, but Kayoko broke in, a voice quiet and weak: "I don't know how, but someone came here to kill us. And... they succeeded."

x

There was no pain in the stiff leg that staggered more and more with every shaky step that had her nearly stumbling each time she put any weight on it.

Taka _flew_.

She did not notice Shogo jogging behind her, trying to keep up as she tore through the woods, trying to keep the figure ahead of her from disappearing.

All she had heard was Kayoko's scream and she _knew, _but did not know, and the fear of unknowing and the terror of paranoia overtook her, so she ran for the door of the room she shared with Shinji, nearly kicking it down because her hands were shaking far too much to be of any use turning the goddamn round knob that she hated so much.

It was more of a closet than anything, which was why they had claimed it for their own, with Hirono occasionally sleeping on the floor with them when Shuuya got to be too much for her, but while Kayo's shriek burst through the thick walls, it felt like an eternity to reach the door, throw it open, and see all the blood on the floor.

She did not really notice Hirono's body, despite her growing affection for the girl who had turned out to be much more than a delinquent. It did not matter at that moment that she had found one of her first real friendships in years. The complexity of Hirono Shimizu was beyond her at that moment, and she did not see Shuuya and Yukie at all.

What she saw was Kayoko standing at the threshold of the master bedroom, sobbing. Noriko stood by Yukie's body, shaking, and Taka shoved them both out of the way in an attempt to reach the door – and _there_ was Sugi. Covered in blood.

It was slow motion, and she knew he was alive, but rage boiled in her. Shogo had barreled out the door seconds before, precious, precious seconds, and she followed, because she _knew_. Or she did not follow - she blazed a path of hellfire and confused rage and thwarted fury. Perhaps it was subconscious (or perhaps conscious) paranoia coming to life within her, but as Shogo shot through the door, she carried on after him, knowing what he was after, until her eye caught on to the shadow before her and she raced ahead because if Sugimura was dead then what did she have? What did she need? If he was injured, she wanted revenge.

Running, the only things Takako Chigusa felt in particular were rage and hatred. There was no fear mixed in her blood anymore.

x

Shinji moved the bodies outside. He did not feel the burst of adrenaline, as he had when Yutaka died, or the same terror that had flooded him when he shot Iijima.

All he felt was despair. He was as sure as the two girls at his side that this was not a simple mugging accident, a robbery gone wrong.

Hirono, Shu, and Yukie were neatly laid out in the back yard. Perhaps he should burn them. They were illegal immigrants anyway – they would not be missed. The only people who would know or care that these three were gone was them. Only this ragtag group of survivors who could not even be called that. They weren't survivors anymore. Just victims.

'_I'm a nihilist in _theory_,' _Hirono had explained one day, rolling her eyes at Hiroki's confusion at her opposing philosophy_. 'But when death is staring you in the face… who wants to look back at it? Who doesn't want a warm bed and good food, y'know? Practicing what you preach is damn difficult when you're looking at the barrel of a gun._'

Now, wiser than she looked, Hirono Shimizu was dead – a knife through her gullet like a pig for the slaughter. No more clever cracks, or smiles, or cynical explanations. She was on par with Shinji's wit, Kayoko's humor, and Shogo's reality.

Yukie too. '_Friends will be friends until the end_,' she disagreed with Shogo. '_Even when fear takes over – that's just adrenaline. You don't forget the people who made your life worth living, even if they're the ones who are making you face death_.' She had spoken as an authority, while her friends annihilated one another in the room just one door over. Now Utsumi, the former class president and queen of charisma was dead, believing in friendship until the bitter, hard end. There would be no compromise, no planning, no little details seen too – she was Shogo's political right hand, Shuuya's maybe-lover, Noriko and Kayoko's confidante.

And Nanahara: everyone's best friend, the guy who saw the good in anyone and was willing to lay down his life for his beliefs. That he had lived so long was only due to Kawada's dedication. Shinji could not think of an eulogy that captured Shuuya just right. Black and white, good and evil – Shu dealt in absolutes. But to get his absolute trust, all anyone needed was a smile. He, more than any of them, was a hero in his own right.

Shinji Mimura stared at the glassy eyes of one of his final surviving friends, and closed them gently. He opened his mouth to say goodbye, until out of the corner of his eye, he saw Shogo – carrying Taka. Cutting his thoughts short, he turned.

"Shit! Is she okay?" There was no way on this earth that Takako Chigusa would allow anyone to carry her like a rag doll.

"Don't worry about it. Is Sugimura alive?" Shogo demanded urgently.

Shinji closed his mouth and nodded. Shogo tossed Taka towards Shinji, who warily held his arms out. But she did not stumble forward into his arms. Instead, she fell to her knees, looking as though her leg would not support her. Her eyes were wider and more hopeless than he'd ever seen them, and she looked exhausted - from this angle, the bags under her eyes were dark and pronounced, like the rotten part of an apple, swollen and soft with bruising.

"What's even the point anymore?" she asked him hoarsely, and he did not have an answer for her.

x

"_Loving someone always requires you not to love others_." Shogo had once told Noriko. But when she watched Shuuya being buried alongside Hirono and Yukie, Takako wondered who Shu _hadn't_ loved, and if she could learn something from someone so willing to give.

She could not articulate these things. No words from her mouth were infinitely wise and poignant. She was selfish and sad and bewildered at the loss of what could never return.

x

After Hiroki's near brush with death, he and Taka were even more inseparable. Although, funnily enough, whenever he was asleep – mandated by Shogo – she and Kayoko seemed to gravitate towards one another. Small and tall, petite and athletic – they were opposites, but it was only natural she'd be more interested in the girl her best friend loved, if only to be closer to him.

x

_"Bastard!" she screamed, the effort ripping open her throat and burning with a pain almost as strong as the one throbbing through her bad leg. She coughed as she barked out another epithet. "Murderer!"_

_A small blade landed just in front of her shoe - she was saved by her own staggering, alive by the grace of her weakness. Picking it up in a jerky motion, she put her muscles into full throttle and managed to catch up, a feat that would have once been easy but now cost her months of recovery and was a flaming pain up her leg._

_Tackling him, she attacked him with her nails and fists and the knife. She did not realize she had killed him until the blade ended up in his chest, sticking out unnaturally of his immobile form. It was a late reaction. Punches rained down on her accidental kill and she screamed all the more, bursting a blood vessel in her eye and ripping her throat._

_"Damn it!" Kawada growled grabbing her easily and turning her to face him, shaking her with a force that snapped her head back and had her biting down on her tongue so hard she spat out blood on his shirt. "We could've gotten information out of him!"_

_But Takako was inconsolable and ignored the wise advice, turning around, kicking and screaming. "He tried to kill us all! He tried to kill them! He tried to kill Hiroki!"_

_"He did kill them!" Kawada shook her, rough and unsentimental, his shoulders heaving with the effort of running. Red was all she saw though, and shapes. She hardly remembered running, or piecing it together. Everything had been too quick. "He did goddamn kill them and he nearly killed you!"_

_"Sugi," her teeth began to chatter, a shock aftereffect. "Did—"_

_"Almost," Shogo answered grimly. "And better get back there quick, in case he doesn't make it. Christ. You'd think you were a banshee, wailing like that. You fucking crazy? If that guy found us, imagine what your shrieking did. Attention is not what we fucking want right now."_

_But she only began to cry – not the insane weeping of someone who had lost everything, but the heart-racking mourning of a young girl who had her comfort shattered - again._

x

There was an unsaid loss with Shogo. Shuuya had been the first one to trust him wholly, to earn respect from him, to care about him. A true friend had died that night, and only Noriko was able to coax a smile out of him after that.

x

An unlikely friendship had formed between the two breadwinners, previous to the assassins attack. It was not like his friendship with Noriko – a protector and an innocent, nor as he had with Shuuya – an unlikely respect between two radically different people. Takako understood him as well as her experience let her, and he enjoyed her wit and the break from the over-emotional outbursts that came hand-in-hand with any friendship with Nanahara or Nakagawa.

She did not see him as another potential Hiroki – a friendship that could last anything. Nor did she see him as a Kahoru, a confidant. He was more like a Mimura… a newfound friend that she would never have expected to empathize with.

Every day, they walked silently to their respective workplaces, dropping off Noriko to watch the little children who spoke to her in rapid, easy French and English. He had gotten his job because of his size and work ethic. She had gotten hers because she was pretty. Both were underpaid, under the table, but they were in zero position to complain. Their very hiring was a godsend. Takako figured her boss could beat her and she'd thank him gratefully.

Afterwards, though, he'd come by the little diner and order a soda and wait for her to finish – usually later rather than sooner, because her coworkers assumed she was stupid. Likely they guessed she was not on payroll. She got a few bills every day, but she worked for tips.

Other construction workers would leak in, order coffee and burgers and waffles and say lewd things that she did not quite understand. It was one day when a hand slipped onto her hip and began to wander to her ass that Kawada broke though:

"Don't touch her," he warned quietly, finishing his drink and standing up.

"She's yours?" the hand recoiled off of her, and rapid-fire English exploded from the man's pasty, formless mouth. Shogo shot something back, but she could hardly make out his words. And she thought _she_ had been the fluent one. Perhaps he just picked things up easily. There was hardly anyone to speak to at work, besides a few deadbeat customers and the cook, who ignored her, calling her an immigrant and other slurs she did not remember well enough to look up in the English dictionary.

After that, she was not bothered by physical advances. Although she was grateful for his intervention – any reaction on her part might've cost her a job – but it still irritated her that she needed him to step in for her. Needing other people was a hassle. But she couldn't deny the aura of safety that surrounded him, that drew in people like Noriko and Kayoko and got Shinji and Sugi to trust him. Despite his gruffness and his cynical attitude and his utterly rude manner of speech, Shogo Kawada was a good man.

x

"What are you thinking?" Shinji asked her idly, lazily stroking her fingers with his thumb. Once she would've been disgusted, but now she did not mind. Perhaps she even found it comforting.

"We could still all die at any time. Not just from all this – we could get hit by a car or drown or suffocate-"

"That's morbid." He looked at her. She was pretty when she was sad. She seemed to be a flower that blossomed at night. Only proper care could bring her out, and he wasn't sure if he was the right gardener for the job. She was beautiful in the moonlight. She was beautiful when she pulled on one of the shirts he or Sugi or Shogo wore, sweat-stained and soft. She was beautiful when she turned around suddenly, eyes dreamy, a smile ghosting across her face, smoothing the harsh lines.

He remembered what Yutaka had said. It seemed as though she was being pretty just for him.

"It's the simple truth," she answered, and kissed him first, for once, rolling over and caressing his cheek with gentleness that stunned him.

She was beautiful when she surprised him.

'_You watching this, Uncle_?"

x

Every day, Kayoko cooked breakfast with Noriko. The two claimed they enjoyed it, that it added structure to the long days when they did not work or play but only sat with memories.

Today, though, Shogo looked at them critically over a pile of eggs and cheap meat that Takako point-blank refused to eat. They were seasoned with stale bread from Noriko and Takako's work and flavored by whatever shit Hirono had grown in the garden. Kayoko had taken over care of it, after.

"It's not safe here. From now on, the game has begun again."

It was impossible to know how they had been found. But it was impossible not to know that once again, they were thrust into danger. They probably had days. They had probably stayed too long already.

Noriko protested, Kayoko seemed near tears. Even Sugi's resigned face had a hint of regret. Takako was stony, but Shinji understood. They all did. He may see Noriko and Kayoko as kids, but they weren't really. Small, frail, sweet – but not naïve anymore. Not innocent. Just too kind for their own damn good.

x

"I want to hurt them."

"I know you do. I do too."

"I don't know what to do, though."

"None of us do."

She shook her head. "You said you had a plan. You and Shogo."

Solemn eyes hesitated, did not meet hers. "The things we planned… the time may never be ripe for them. We're probably going to die. And he doesn't feel right leaving Noriko and Kayoko, especially with Sugimura so injured. The plan right now is to keep our heads down and free of bullet-holes."

She was certain this was the truth, but it did not stop her. "I want revenge. I want to hurt them the way they hurt us."

" We can't bring down a government, Taka. That website? The best we could do. My uncle taught me all about it. 'Slacktivism' works. It's more than we could've even hoped or dreamed to accomplish. There are… six of us. Only six of us left."

Her gaze was angry and uncomprehending.

"We can't… take down a body... only the individuals. America has gone to war with them. What else can we do?"

"I want to kill the dictator."

If there was one thing to describe Takako, it would be strong. Everything about her was fierce. Her independence, her physicality, her will-power and independence: she was everything.

"Takako, who knows if he's even a real person anymore, instead of a false figurehead? We can't just charge back in and—"

"Sure we can. It's simple."

x

They could all die at any moment. Assassination was no joke. Perhaps it was a radical. Perhaps it was a spy. It didn't matter anymore. They had to move on.

They went to the cabin. It was a joke of a move. But all they had was home, and the thought of giving it up was still painful. Perhaps they would be safer, they told themselves.

Of course, they all knew it was dangerous.

x

Takako had gained weight over the months. Her once leonine body was now more domesticated, softer and welcoming, the extra fat framing her face and breasts and belly.

Once, it might've bothered her, but now, she only noticed it with the most passing interest. Vanity was not important any longer. She had gained it from the loss of her ability to exercise and the heavy Western foods. But it didn't matter. That there was food on the table at all was what mattered.

x

Shinji refused to admit to himself that he loved her. She was stubborn and spoiled rotten by the affection of her friends. His uncle had warned him against only succumbing to lust, but he hadn't warned him to avoid the charms of an angry warlord. Uncle had figured Shinji to use and abuse a string of senseless young women, and hadn't accounted for anything else. He'd prayed for his nephew to have normlacy, and never could've foreseen his death, the Program, or Takako Chigusa.


	7. Chapter 7

_"But…but I'm nothing. So…I was just wondering why you're friends with me."_

_"That's ridiculous, Yutaka._

_"I am who I am. And you're you. Even if I'm pretty good at basketball or computers, or popular with the girls, that's doesn't make me a better person. You can make people laugh and you're kind. When you're serious, you're a lot more sincere than I am. Like with girls. I'm not resorting to that cheap cliche about everyone having something to offer, but I am saying there are a lot of things I admire about you._

_ "I like you. We've always been buddies. You're an important friend. My best friend."_

_x_

_The tap of her pendant against the collar had grown to become her time-bomb. Clinkclinkclinkclink. It moved when she breathed, when she ran, when she turned her head. The chain clicked against it with at least four chinks each time she moved._

_Perhaps that was how Niida heard her. Perhaps her vanity had been her downfall. _

x

_"Boys don't cry," she teased. "You're bigger than me now, but you haven't made much progress."_

_Hiroki frowned. "You don't think?"_

_Playfully, she ran a finger along the side of her bracelets, enjoying the dings they made. Sugi had made one for her in elementary school. It was precious to her._

_"No," she said with definition. "You're still such a child."_

_He grinned back at her, tapping his nose thoughtfully, answering: "I guess so. But that's better than an adult, right?"_

_Snorting, she tossed some hair over her shoulder. "Children don't get to find out my secret."_

_Long eyelashes blinked down at her, and Sugi smiled. "Fine – I'll grow up, but only if you tell me the secret."_

_"Look at that ultimatum, Sugimura." Taka winked at him. "The secret is – I'm taking you out for your birthday!"_

_He looked stunned. "What?"_

_"I got Nanahara and Kuninobu to help me pick out your present. Come on, we're leaving now!"_

_He smiled bashfully at her. "Taka, you didn't have to do that."_

_"You deserve it and you know it. You've made a lot of friends this year and I'm proud of you," she beamed at him. _

_She was practically dragging him, but when they made it to the gate at Mimura's house, he looked at her, startled._

_"It's a surprise birthday for you! Guys night out. I know… hanging out with a girl all the time isn't the best for your reputation, and I know I can be… a lot, sometimes. So I wanted to give you some time with your guy friends." She looked nervous, hoping he'd enjoy the gesture. Perhaps he wasn't as good friends with them as she'd thought? She sure hoped so. She'd talked to goddamn perky Nanahara for this, and had actively tried to be friendly._

_Staring at her, Hiroki felt awed by her proffered gift. _

_To Taka, it was a small gesture, but to him, it was humbling. For the first time in a little while, he looked past her stern exterior and saw her. Each time he did that, he was always shocked at the deep wells of her kindness. He saw the generosity that reverberated off her, the pride that she often put aside for his sake, and her ability to always make him happy, because she knew him better than anyone else and had loved him before he even liked himself._

_"Thank you." His voice was emphatic and deliberate, and he hugged her tightly, surprising her. Maybe she didn't understand the extent to which this touched him, but he would explain to her later. _

_It wasn't that he was free of her for a night – contrary to what she believed, spending time with her was one of his favorite pastimes. It was that she looked to him, and selected something she thought he'd enjoy based on his moods and feelings. No generic gifts – that wasn't her way. She'd always looked to what she thought he needed. Takako looked out for him, no matter what, and put him first. He was often told he was a martyr, but he was the way he was because he aspired to be like his best friend._

_"Kids night out," she corrected herself, tapping his nose. "I asked Nanahara for his help – and he and Mimura arranged it. Food, video-games, everything. We all split the cost, so you can eat all night, and get it out of your system before your next competition – in three weeks, right? I know how you like to get all healthy before the big matches."_

_She listened to him, and that was more important to him than anything else in the world._

x

_Surprisingly enough, Takako got along well with Yuichiro Takiguchi. They were both Student No. 13, and were often paired for projects in class. If Hiroki or Tadakatsu agreed to work with someone else before they could get to them - which happened often, since both of their respective best friends were far less shy than they - they'd work together. It was a pleasant system._

_They were both shy, so at first, they did not speak much. However, after their third project together in their second year of junior high, Yuichiro hesitantly began talking to her. Strange though he was – their first conversation consisted of him explaining which anime girl she was in some show he watched – the otaku was sweet. Rarely had she ever met someone so caring, besides Hiroki... though Hiroki was less strange than this little, offbeat kid._

_Once, at his house on a rainy day, instead of doing their work, she willingly watched a show with him. It had been interesting, with bright, flashing colors and theme music that she admittedly had stuck in her head for days after. She never really caught on to his interest in it, but whenever they worked together, they'd watch a few episodes of whatever he was watching._

_"See, this is a generic main character. He's noble and strong, sometimes as a fatal flaw, and all these girls are in love with him." Yuichiro explained in a moment of complete self-awareness. "It's a common wish-fulfillment fantasy shared by a lot of otaku, so if all the main characters are kind and physically powerful, with a flaw that doesn't exactly seem like a flaw outside of the context of the show... they want to be him, and buy all the merchandise. There's generic main character, who is the only guy in the show who doesn't peek at all the fan-servicing females." Takako had snorted at that. "The girls are usually only tropes – a lot of anime and manga is pretty misogynistic. There's the dynamo, the mother-figure, the lonely, quiet one, the priestess, the obnoxious one, the shy one, the down-to-earth one, ect cetera. Sometimes the producers shake things up and combine the characters – like a tsundere, but I guess that's a trope in itself... or the dynamite priestess. It's pretty much all the same, especially once you really get into it. There are a couple that break past it, but it's hard to find them."_

_She stared at him in amazement. "Why do you watch it if you're on to their marketing?"_

_Yuichiro, sweet and honest as ever, shook his head. Despite his diminutive stature, she considered him of the most mature boys in their class. "You can see that something is kind of problematic, but still enjoy it right? Who doesn't like fantasies about robots and aliens and zombies and stuff anyway? I just try to tell everybody to don't take this stuff seriously," he admitted. The otaku smiled and pointed at his small television screen. "See this? It's my favorite part – "_

x

_"Hey, sweetheart, we on for tonight?" Niida winked at her and she grinned - an unpleasant sign, though he did not realize it._

_"Fuck yourself," she told him casually. Someone had started a rumor that they were dating – and everyone in class seemed to be congratulatory. Ew! Like she'd ever stoop to scum like Niida. Though he was handsome, and athletic... he was the scum on the bottom of polluted ponds._

_"Why would I do that when I could nail you instead?" he reached for her fingers, in what she supposed was meant to pass as a playful gesture. _

_It wasn't that he wasn't attractive – despite his crooked smile, he had a good-looking face and well-defined body. And it wasn't that she wasn't up for dating anyone – it was that Niida was a prick, and took advantage of a stupid rumor instead of just asking her out. She hated wimps, and hated excuses, and thus would not tolerate someone like Kazushi._

_"Don't touch me," she warned him._

_"You're my baby, though," he blew a kiss at her and she felt her temper explode._

_"I'm not anybody's damn _baby_," she began furiously, when a small voice broke through._

_"Come on, man, leave her alone. People don't belong to people. Not even girls."_

_Yuichiro's tiny body looked even smaller next to Niida's tall one – Kazushi Niida had quickly developed, and Yuichiro looked as if he belonged in elementary school, but for some reason, the otaku had never really been the target of any bullying. People generally left him alone - perhaps because he was so kind._

_Looking down at his interruption, Niida scowled at the boy, but walked away, rolling his eyes and mumbling something._

_It was incredible. She stared at him. "How the hell did you do that?"_

_Yuichiro smiled. "My mom is an activist for equality under the government! I guess it just bugs me when guys like that treat girls badly, y'know?"_

_Later that same month, Takako had joined Mrs. Takiguchi in passing out flyers in front of the mall, and bought a half-dozen books on feminism and research files on old government propaganda – pre-Revolutionary documents that could've gotten her killed._

_She didn't know how Hiroki had gotten them for her, but after, she realized it had been Mimura's doing. He never mentioned it._

x

It was long obvious before Shogo even had any clue.

The door closed behind the couple, but even the thick walls couldn't muffle the debate Noriko held with him.

There was no one Shogo respected more than the Nakagawa. And ultimately, respect had a lot to do with Noriko's problem.

x

A ray of joy came down on them the moment Noriko tugged the man twice her size into the bedroom and began shouting, her soft, musical voice contrasting drastically with his low, rough one, their shouting blending together and the walls muffling their topic.

"What do you think they're talking about?" Kayoko asked innocently, obviously worried about the subject that she probably assumed was their future.

Sugi shrugged. It was painful for him to speak – the knife that had nearly slashed his throat now ran down his neck and chest. Though he had been quiet before, Takako never realized just how much she relied on the comfort of his voice and words.

Kayoko was partially correct – the future was involved in the conversation behind that closed door, but not the kind she thought it was.

Shinji grinned at the thought.

"I don't know how much talking they're doing," he trailed off. "Although I'm sure that conversation is one Sugimura would like to have with you."

Takako punched him and Kayoko blushed with realization, her face crimson. "Omigod." She gazed at Sugi. "Are you serious?"

Shinji winked at Taka, who rolled her eyes. "I think Hiroki may actually explode of embarrassment now, Shinji, so thanks for depriving me of the one joy in my life."

"Hey, don't I count as one of your chief pleasures?" Shinji gazed at her in amusement, and she held up a warning hand against him, the edges of her lips turned up with hilarity.

Blush subsiding, Kayoko gave Sugi a critical look. "Okay."

"What?" the other two burst out with nosy glee.

Hiroki was in a fit of shock and delight.

Dropping a dramatic wink, Kayoko shrugged. "You're great, Sugimura. You watched out for me on the island, and I guess I kind of figured it out but you never said anything! Y'know? You gotta open up a little – I'm not a mind reader. Does this mean we're sleeping together tonight?"

Kotohiki had always been upfront. However, despite the little bit of jealousy that Takako obviously sported, she giggled at the astonishment on Sugimura's face. "Sugi, you're gonna draw flies!"

Shinji hadn't seen her giggle – close to _ever_. Hiding her face and turning away to muffle her laughter, she bumped into Shinji who was standing behind her. Wrapping an arm around her, she laughed willingly into his shirt as Kayoko danced circles around her bewildered best friend.

x

"You're in a mood tonight," Shinji noted with amusement.

Sticking out her tongue, she winked at him playfully. "Maybe it's just because I'm happy."

Rolling his eyes, he gathered her closer to him. The others were asleep, inside, and they sat in a sham of a guard duty. "What could you possibly have to be happy about?" he teased her, truly curious as to the sudden, radical change in her attitude.

"I'm happy for Shogo! The big idiot never noticed how much Noriko loves him. He thinks she's hung up over Shuuya and Yukie."

"Isn't she?" he asked, mesmerized by her expressive, angular face. She chewed her tongue when she was happy. He hadn't seen it often enough to notice.

Takako rolled her eyes. "She liked Shuuya a long time ago – but Yukie basically claimed him. That girl would murder for a date with Nanahara. Besides, after you spend a lot of time with someone, you get attached, y'know? Even if Noriko liked him during the Program... Shogo took care of her. They got close. Like Kayoko and Sugi. Though I can't believe he still hadn't confessed. I thought she had rejected him or something. That goes for saying with Noriko too. I never dreamed that Shogo had no clue. He's not exactly dumb."

This gossiping, excited girl wasn't the Takako he was used to. War-torn, battered, angry, shy, sad – never this sweet or… cuddly.

She rested against him, her hair soft against his bicep. It was perhaps the most content he'd been in years. Love through proximity. Sounded familiar.

"Can't believe I'm the only guy in the house not getting any tonight," he winked at her with exaggerated flirtatiousness.

"I'm _not_ having sex with you, you lech. You wanna get laid, go buy a prostitute." She warned him, but did not move from his arms. "I'm not obligated to fuck you because Shogo and Hiroki may or may not be getting laid."

"Not even if I beg?"

"Not even then, Mimura. It seems you're no longer terrified of me and my charms. Do I need to put the fear of your goddess back into you? Hiroki told me someone in class called me a war goddess, and I think the title suits me."

"I'll worship you... but only if it involves chains and whips and nakedness." he cracked.

She stood up, leaving his arms feeling empty, and stretched. But suddenly her hair swung in front of his face and she spread her fingers across his cheeks and neck. "Idiot," she pressed her forehead to his. "Goodnight."

She brought a blanket out and he cradled her head in his lap, stroking her scalp and combing out her hair gently with his fingers.

x

_"Why do you sleep with Mimura every night?" Sugi asked her, frowning._

_She looked up at him, surprised. "Habit, I suppose," she confessed. "Where Shogo had us stay – it got cold. Besides, where else would you have me sleep?"_

_On her honor she'd never bring up the nightmares. They seemed to be lessening, but his sleeping habits were still erratic. He seemed to sleep best while someone else was there, and she didn't mind._

_He did not answer, but his face was troubled. "Remember… Shinji had a reputation."_

_She rolled her eyes. "You're right, he's as monstrous. I was right, back when I swore up and down that he was the devil incarnate back when we were fourteen. I'm lucky to be alive. He's holding me against my will."_

_"No need to tell him our secrets," Shinji stepped into the room, smirking. _

_Takako hid behind Hiroki. "Watch out, Sugi! It's Mimura! He might attack. Don't let him see the whites of your eyes. That's when the demons possess you."_

_"Cut the smartassery," Hiroki said, smiling at them gently, comforted._

x

_He braided flowers for her when he realized._

_It was a surprising skill he'd learned from hanging out with his younger sister. Often, when his parents fought, he'd grab her and take her for a walk in the park. Or when they'd walk home from school in spring and she'd show him something she'd made during class. A long time ago, she'd forced him to learn._

_So once again, he put his rather unique skill-set to the test._

_There were clover crowns and rings and forget-me-not bracelets and dandelion necklaces. He spent hours on them and one morning, woke her by piling them all on top of her, the cool smell of the greens and the weight of his gifts, the nature staining the sheet that served as their blanket with their purity._

_"Happy birthday, Taka," he smiled at her, and it was reward enough to see the happy surprise that watered her eyes and opened her mouth and had a hand cupping her heart._

_Funny that when he realized Takako was beautiful, he wanted to grow with her, but when he saw that nature was beautiful, his first impulse was to kill it and keep it frozen. Either way, both of them made him want forever._


	8. Chapter 8

"I want to go back."

Shogo looked at her archly. "You wanna death sentence, girly?"

"I don't care."

"You do it your damn self then. You have others to think about now. This isn't the Program anymore – we're not playing Uno. You aren't the only one involved. Fuck the last man standing shit they fed us."

"Then what are we going to do?" she demanded, getting ready to work herself up, but Sugi interrupted:

"She's… right. More…. people were killed. Staying here is…. dangerous." He struggled to force out the words, his voice hoarse and mechanical. She could not imagine the pain he was in.

Noriko looked upset at that. "This is the only home I have anymore!" she argued, her eyes spilling tears down hollowing cheeks.

"Sugimura has a point, though," Shinji added. "We don't know what that was about, but obviously they know where we are. We should've left immediately. We're sitting ducks while we're here. But there isn't much we can do anymore. Hiding is pointless."

Kayoko looked equally unhappy. "But… where can we go? What can we do anymore? We were just settling in!"

It was true. They had finally become a family – partially because of Shuuya Nanahara. He was the superglue that connected them. Takako and Kayoko were Hiroki's – and Hiroki was Shuuya's. Noriko and Shogo were Shuuya's – Yukie and Hirono, too. Without him, they'd just be a band of kids who had nothing in common but life and death.

And he was gone.

"We can't separate." Shogo gave the ultimatum. "Not again. We're nothing if we aren't united."

"We're nothing anyway," Takako mumbled.

x

"I miss my cats."

"I miss my family!"

"I miss... Hanako."

x

Shinji often dreamt of his uncle.

His uncle never told him anything he didn't know. Only things he didn't acknowledge.

"Lust from the loins… it doesn't compare to love from the heart, Shinji. Take it from me."

"What if I never find anyone to love?"

"You're young yet. Besides – love is often right where we don't think to look."

x

"Where were you going to high school?"

"Same place as Hiroki."

"So we wouldn't have been together anyway."

There were volumes of unspoken meaning in the sentence. Takako understood though.

"We're together _now_."

x

Perhaps a long time ago she'd crushed on her best friend. Now, it was just love – for the boy he'd been, the man he'd become, and for everything he'd ever done and said for her. Because above all, she cherished him - more than anyone knew.

_"You make me want to do better," he told her once, squeezing her fingers and smiling gently down at her, his expression filled with tenderness and admiration._

_She smiled back at him, softly. "You make me want to be better." She answered, returning his comforting grip._

x

_Shogo was often diffident around Noriko – not because he didn't care, but because he cared too much. She noticed it, insightful girl that she was, and did not know how to fix it._

_It was Hirono who had given her the advice: "If you want him, tell him. Tell him about Shu and Kuninobu and ask him why he's so damn mopey all the time. I'm sure he thinks you're all over Nanahara."_

_"I don't belong to Shuuya or Yoshi." Noriko had said, arms crisscrossing with annoyance. _

_Takako had agreed. "If he's dumb enough to see you as property before a person, fuck him, Noriko. You don't need a guy. Not even now."_

_Kayoko frowned. "Easy for you to say, when you have Mimura."_

_But that was foolish. Nobody 'had' a claim on Noriko, and Takako certainly did not 'have' Shinji. People did not own people. Anyway..._

_It was not that simple._

x

_"You look cool," Takako congratulated him. It was photo-day at school, and he had allowed her to trim his hair and wore the shirt she explicitly told him to. _

_He smiled at her. "And you're the coolest girl in the world."_

_"You're such a stud in that shirt," she teased. "Look at all the girls staring at you."_

_He shrugged. "That may be because I grew seven inches in the past four months."_

_Takako smirked. "Or it may be because of my excellent choices for you. A picture to remember! Your mother will be grateful, I expect."_

_"Only because you're the most stylin' girl in the world... Thanks, Taka."_

_"Come on, you're up, Male Student Number Eleven!" she said, and shoved him forward into the photo booth._

x

That night, Shinji did not kiss her goodnight. She took matters into her own hands, and rolled over, her arm draped across his chest.

"Well?" she demanded.

His gaze was pensive and tired. Dark circles sunk his eyes in, and tenderness filled her. She kissed him, instead, on the side of his cheek where lips tapered off sharply and became skin.

He actually smiled at that, and she held her lips to the spot, feeling the curve of his grin beneath her own, branding him with her kiss.

x

It was the hardest part, perhaps, when Hiroki got sick. He had been doing so well – his wound hadn't been too bad, and he seemed healthy. But one morning he simply did not wake up. Perhaps it was an unrelated illness, made worse by his weakness. They never knew.

Shogo was quiet. Had he known this would happen? Had he felt that it was impossible to save him?

Takako buried him next to Hirono.

Her eulogy was silent and she stood alone. Shinji and the girls let her be. Shogo eventually came out and smoked a cigarette.

"He was everything... my precious friend. How can he be gone, just like that?"

It was a foolish question. He was gone like Shu and Yukie and Hirono and Yoshitoki and Fumiyo and every girl and boy to ever die in the Program. He was not special, just because he was important to her. They were all mortal.

"Not everybody dies a hero. We can't all get dramatic deaths." Shogo watched her, but did not offer to help. He knew that she needed to do this.

They left that same day.

x

They did eventually move farther – Noriko gave her apologies to the family whose children she watched, and Takako quit the diner with broken English and a happy heart. With no real destination in mind, they drifted.

This time was more hopeless than the first few.

This was no longer survival – it had become Hide and Seek. They were being hunted like animals – with no time to mourn for everything they'd lost. They never stayed in one place long - breaking into houses, putting up tents, sleeping on buses that were heated and cooled and when you closed your eyes, maybe you were in a house with family.

Then the road would get rocky and destroy the illusion.

x

Kayoko's best feature was her smile. The very light seemed to love her, embrace her. After Sugi did not wake up, though, the weather took a dark turn. Never before had Takako been superstitious, but she idly wondered if Kayoko's grief was so strong that the very heavens wept with her.

x

What Shinji hated, more than anything, was cold weather. He couldn't bear it. His joints ached like an old man, his nose felt raw, and all of his grief and sadness that he carried seemed to exit his system as irritation. When it began to snow and hail, he punched a wall so hard his fingers bled.

Once, Takako had been the one who needed help. Now, he wasn't so sure.

x

Taka wondered how Kahoru was doing. Had she been gunned down? What about their families? They'd never know. They were probably dead, and even if they weren't, she might as well grieve for them. It wasn't as though she'd ever see them again.

x

"I just can't go on anymore," Kayoko said one day, while they waited for a bus to take them to god-knew where.

Noriko answered before anyone else. "None of us can. But you can't leave us."

Tears filled Kayo's eyes. "It's so hard… and so scary. I don't want to do this. It would've been better if I had just died on that island. All of this aimless wandering… it's killing me."

Taka shook her head, feeling her cheek. "No. Those were all hard deaths. Betrayal ran high. There was fear everywhere. At least you got a few months reprieve."

"Is any of it really worth it, though?" Kayoko asked, eyes hooded. "Any of it at all?"

x

Just like always, they slept in one another's arms and wept at each other's shoulders.

After Sugi died, she seemed to retreat within herself that much more. And it broke his heart to watch it. Love wasn't everything his Uncle had made it seem. Nobody had told him that you took their pain upon yourself.

x

Noriko announced she was pregnant, and both Shogo and Takako seemed to wither.

He knew why, now, though Takako still hadn't told him. When you loved someone, you just knew.

Shogo managed a tent for them in a park. They sat outside it, shivering together, entwined like a pair of knotted shoelaces.

"Sometimes I think all I can feel anymore is hate and anger." She said quietly, her warm breath tickling his ear, her proximity making his heart thud, and her words making it sink.

"Then love me." he asked her, heart aching for her approval. He wanted her to love him because he wanted to give her his own, rip it out of his chest to get the pain out. It was selfish and selfless and lonely.

For once, her gaze was not calculating or teasing or angry or sad. Heavy lashes fell on her cheeks and she laid a hand across his chest, the pads of her fingers fumbling up towards his neck.

For once, she was silent and evaded answering. She did not tell him it was simple. He did not tell her he already knew her answer.

x

The one time they allowed Kayoko to watch, they watched her die. She tried to apologize for her decision but the blood loss left her dizzy and Takako closed her eyes, a final time.

The sunshine had always bent around her - too beautiful and wonderful to touch. She died in the dark, because with the sun's love, she could not have left.

They had no place to put her body and so they buried her in fall leaves. Fitting, since she would rot with them in the winter.

x

Shogo let her leave, in the end. Noriko found a woman's home, three months pregnant and unhappy to see them go. She was safe, though, and Shogo had made his decision.

He left her with kisses and promises of love. Takako only snorted and told him it was about time, remembering the first time he had left her with those. This time, at least, he left her with proof of it.

"It's not that simple-" he began, and trailed off, looking at her, a knowledgeable grin poking out behind the sheen of cigarette smoke that always followed him. He had loved before, and thought he was unable to do it again, but Noriko had taught him otherwise. "Or I guess it is."

There were no boundaries to love, not before, and especially not after.

x

"I want my revenge."

"Isn't it enough that I'm here with you?"

He knew the answer was no. He knew she was angry. He knew he loved her.

"It's more than enough," she answered suddenly, surprising him. "If I do it, I'm maybe going to die. You're my legacy."

He frowned. That idea did not sit well with him at all. "Taka—"

"I'm going to go recruiting. On the streets. I don't care if the police shoot me. People read that website, Shinji, and people will listen to me. Even here. Especially here, because they know."

"Don't trust movements—" he began, and then ended. Uncle Hajime had said it was not wise. But Uncle was dead. Perhaps listening to his Uncle for so long, posthumously, was not the best idea.

Perhaps that was when he stopped idolizing his Uncle and truly understood human fallibility – in himself and others.

"I'm coming with you."

"No, idiot."

He was taken aback at her vehemence.

"You have to stay with her – settle down anonymously. Protect Noriko. You won't be just the third man to die in this game."

"I need you."

There was love in his words, and pain. Her eyes filled up with futile tears. "I need you more," she answered, and that was everything she could give him. The entirety of her heart and soul laid in those words.

"Can't you leave off vengeance and just… live?" he almost pleaded her. Though he knew it was foolish, all he wanted was to stay with her now. Though they had no escape from the little hell they were in, all he wanted was to wake up every morning and see her. Angry, sleeping, happy, in love, sad... he wanted everything.

He'd even deal with 'Robo-bitch' to be with Takako. He would let her wear her armor or run to him naked. Nothing mattered anymore but that she at least cared for him.

_'History comes in waves… and whether it'll be war or a movement, I don't know. We can't make a difference. But we can fuck them good.' Shogo had once said. Noriko and Shuuya had seemed to find the words familiar._

Shogo said he would go. But she needed Shinji to stay.

"How am I supposed to leave you if you ask me this?" she asked him, voice choking with emotion. "How am I supposed to let you go?"

"You want revenge because you can't let go."

"Don't tell me you don't understand it!" she burst out, because she knew he did.

"If you go… I'm going with you." He answered instead, and when she cried, he held her, and kissed her, and swore to never let go.

x

After, the three of them did return.

They found several veterans of the Program who were willing to help them. And it was Shogo's idea to take back the island, which had been in disuse since their particularly catastrophic Program. They were wanted criminals - except Shinji, who had been a victor tragically killed by his scheming classmates after they had been assumed dead. Takako, Shogo, Yukie, Noriko, Hiroki, Hirono, Kayoko and Shu. Takako did not know how they knew - maybe because they were the finalists? Or were the cameras still recording?

It didn't matter anymore. But their appearances had changed so drastically that even walking down the street, nobody recognized them. Besides, who would expect to see a criminal brazenly strutting down the street? No officer did.

"Are you worried about Noriko and the baby?" she asked him curiously. He had easily helped her rid herself of anything to do with that, so long ago.

He shrugged. "I don't know if it's my kid."

"But are you worried anyway?" she insisted.

He looked at her, with eyes that were hard and sad and filled with guilt and regret and pain and hate and gentle love for the girl he might not ever see again. "Of course I do. I'll probably die. But I'll die knowing that I moved on, that I loved again, that I forgave, and that I'm tryin' my damndest to give as good as they got me."

"Shogo... it wouldn't be anyone else's kid. Just so you know." She looked at him seriously, and he nodded, his eyes faraway for a moment. She did not know where he journeyed - to Noriko, to Shu, or to before. To the girl who was before Noriko. To the first Program or the second.

There was a lot of places he could be.

x

There were seven of them altogether, and to honor Shuuya, they called themselves the Wild Sevens. A little inside joke between champions of madness and anarchy.

x

It was only because of the war with America that they had an opening. Takako made it into the council hall at the capital with ease. Shinji was with her.

They had discussed this plan for months – and the time was ripe. Perhaps it was not the best plan… but it was vengeance. She might be seen and get shot - a criminal walking into the most important building in government was not a particularly genius move on their part.

x

_"I wish it didn't have to be this way," he said quietly._

_She kissed him. "I love you. I love you more than I hate them."_

_"I know. That's why you can do this." _

x

She used the ladies bathroom and left. She moved with confidence and was not question. It was amazing at how easy her plan was executed. Months of anxiety for such a quick operation.

Outside the complex was Shogo. She nodded at him, and he turned with her. They walked away together, with him pressing a button in his pocket as the building exploded behind them. Takako did not feel regret – but she worried for the civilians that had been caught in the crossfire. Perhaps she had learned that when war was a gamble, blood was the stake.

It took a long time for her to justify it to herself - to forgive herself for hurting innocents who did not know anything, who had been fed lies and fear.

But isn't that what they had been, in the Program?

x

The Program data was all erased from the computers by a strange, untraceable virus. It was postponed that year.

That same year, America won the war - thanks to the mysterious explosion in the war room of the government - and helped re-socialize the government... with the help of the young man who had designed the bug that had crashed every computer in the Senate.

x

Back in America, Shogo found Noriko – he sent pictures of her and the baby. Takako looked up from the mail and smiled at Shinji. They promised to return when the baby was strong enough for travel - maybe a year or two.

x

Shinji's most noticeable feature was his eyes – bright and hopeful, they looked at her with love. Their little apartment was beautiful. They opened all the windows and cooked every meal fresh and at night, they laid together, fighting the nightmares hand-in-hand.

x

She gave him another haircut – spiking the edges and leaving him clean cut. The length of his hair had grown on her, but when she gazed at the smug, spiky-haired bastard, she wondered at how he looked beautiful to her no matter what. His hair did not matter.

When she looked in the mirror, really looked at herself for the first time since she had been fifteen, she cried. Her hair was choppy and short and she hated it and she took scissors and hacked at the rough locks angrily. When Shinji found her crying in the bathroom, he buzzed her hair for her too, and then they matched.

She sometimes wondered if she was ugly now, with short hair and scars and a limp that would never heal, but Shinji told her it didn't matter, told her she was wonderful because she was herself. Her vanity had taken blows, but her confidence grew.

x

They, and all other survivors of the Program, were given government help. Shinji and Takako received honorary high school diplomas – and straightaway applied to colleges. Shinji chose to be a computer engineer. Takako, after much deliberation, decided to study medicine.

"Maybe I can try and make this world a little better," she decided, thinking of Shogo and his father.

x

They visited their friends parents.

Shinji's family had been untouched, as the victor. But his parents saw him and ordered him out and Ikumi did not recognize the tall, thin man who resembled her brother. Just like she was not quite the Takako she had been, he was no longer the same Shinji. He cried, after, and she held him.

Takako's family had been decimated, but her father and Hanako were glad to see her. Ayako had been taken by the government and never returned. Her mother had been killed by the war. Takako was inconsolable after, but Hanako leapt after her and showered her in kisses and happy barks. It was a small happiness, a pebble amongst mountains.

Then they visited Hiroki's mother, who cried when she saw Takako, taking the girl in her arms and thanking her and apologizing. They all cried together, and stayed for tea.

They visited the few others they could find - Kayoko's mother was gone, Yukie's parents refused to see them, the orphanage caretaker thanked him quietly. Hirono's family was harder to find.

Takako visited Kahoru, but it was not the same. They had both seen too much. When Class 3B had been taken, Kahoru had been taken in for questioning about Takako and her classmates. She was smaller and quieter now. Fitting together was not as easy as it had been, but they promised to try, for old time's sake.

Kahoru gave them a copy of their favorite photos, though, and Shinji hung them up in the kitchen, after they painted the walls yellow and put up curtains and furniture and laughed together for the first time in ages.

x

Takako's limp never quite healed properly. Shinji often suffered stomach pain. These were the physical markings of their memories. Sometimes it got lonely, without Shogo and Nori, but she had created a life in America, and coming back was a lot to ask of her. Takako's father left her Hanako and he retired quietly. They adopted Hiroki's little kitten, too, and the household was never lonely or gray or foul-smelling.

"How does it feel, knowing you started and ended a war with that stupid laptop?" she asked him one night, idly.

He grinned at her. "All those times you bothered me about tinkering with it, too."

"It was probably way less complicated than you made it seem. Shut up," she ordered.

And she made sure he obeyed by covering his mouth with her own.


End file.
